SUNDAY FUNNIES: ROUNDING UP THE JOKES! (misc. humor)

Hello Folks! Waxy Dragon here!
As I reported in my last Sunday Funnies' appearance, it is cold here!
It has yet to get above freezing, and they're calling for another 6-7 inches of snow before Monday morning (March 2), with more snow chances Wednesday and Thursday!

BRRRRRRRR!

The "round files"

So, needless to say, I have yet to leave the Free Choice E-zine offices and get some fresh jokes like I wanted to, so let's see what I can find in these special round files that are all over the place.

Haven't been through any of them in a while, so...
Here we go!

While a farmer was milking his cow, a fly came buzzing past. It went in one ear and out the udder!

What do you get if you cross a parakeet and an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything it remembers!

What's worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A giraffe with a sore throat.

And what's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
An alligator with a toothache.

Let's up the ante. What's worse than an alligator with a toothache?
A turtle with claustrophobia.

And what's worse than a turtle with claustrophobia?
An elephant with hay fever!
Hey, do you have any idea how LOUD that would be?


What animal can jump higher than any building?
ANY animal. Buildings can't jump.

What do you call a cow that can't jump over the moon?
NORMAL!

And on that note, have a great week everybody. Stay warm and safe, and please be back here next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!–wd.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 22-28, 2015

TODAY IS KALEVALA DAY IN FINLAND.

MARCH 1st IS THE 65th ANNIVERSARY OF CRUSADER RABBIT.

THE FILM ADAPTION OF THE SOUND OF MUSIC CELEBRATES

IT'S 50th ANNIVERSARY MARCH 2nd.

FLORIDA'S 170th ANNIVERSARY OF JOINING

THE UNITED STATES IS MARCH 3rd.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK...
*Everyone trapped within the Harmony Gold Kusasalethu mine of South Africa has been successfully rescued!
*While not yet officially law, Britain's House of Lords has passed the "3 person" method of in vitro fertilization if medically necessary.

CONCERNING NORTH KOREA...
*North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has ordered his military forces to prepare for war, but he hasn't said when or against who yet; although South Korea will be holding joint military exercises with the United States soon.
*Meanwhile, the United Nations reports that a North Korean shipping company has been disguising (renaming and reflagging) its vessels in an attempt to avoid an arms embargo.

BETWEEN RUSSIA AND THE UKRAINE...

*Boris Nemtsov, a former Deputy Prime Minister of Russia and a known critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was assassinated in Moscow February 27th.
*Pro-Russian separatists have finally started honoring the current cease fire and are removing heavy weapons from the front lines. No word on whether or not those weapons have actually left the Ukraine, but their military says they cannot remove Ukrainian heavy weapons since they are still under attack.
*Russian President Vladimir Putin claims war with the Ukraine is "unlikely", but refuses to participate in any further cease fire or peace talks.
*Britain plans to send advisers to consult with the Ukrainian army.

TERRIBLE TERRORIST ACTIVITIES...
*Avijit Roy, an activist for peace and free speech, was publicly attacked and
hacked to death by several sword wielding men February 26th.
*ISIS/ISIL forces destroyed the contents of a public library in Mosul, Iraq while forcing everyone nearby to witness their actions at gunpoint. The terrorists later repeated such actions at the Mosul Museum, although how much was lost has yet to be determined.
*ISIS/ISIL forces are also claiming responsibility for bombing the Iranian ambassador's home in Tripoli and a rocket attack on Al Abraq International Airport.
*al-Shabab terrorists claim they will soon be attacking shopping malls in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom.
*After escaping from the Houthis, Abd Rabbuh Mansur Hadi says he is still President of Yemen.
*An ISIS/ISIL terrorist using the alias "Jihadi John" has been identified as Mohammed Emwazi, with fresh warrants issued for his arrest.

PASSING PARADE...
*Leonard Nimoy (actor, director, writer, photographer, etc) has taken his final bow on life's stage.
*Boris Nemtsov and Avijit Roy, as mentioned above.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...
POLITICALLY...

*US President Barack Obama officially vetoed the TransCanada Keystone XL Pipeline for economic (lack of it creating permanent jobs) and ecological reasons, despite it being passed by the Republican dominated Congress.
*For whatever reason(s), Speaker of the House John Boehner totally stopped proceedings on Wednesday to remind everyone present of the Congressional dress code.
*Although Congress has threatened another government shutdown unless President Obama agrees with their views on Immigration and other issues, they have passed an emergency funding bill that will keep the Department of Homeland Security and others operating for an additional week.
*The Federal Communications Commission has declared the Internet a public utility, thus establishing net neutrality.
*Republican Robert A. McDonald, the current Secretary of Veteran Affairs, has admitted he lied about serving in the Army Special Forces.
*Recreational marijuana is now legal in Washington, DC.
ELSEWHERE...
*South Korea and the United States are preparing for a joint military exercise, while North Korea's military has been ordered "to prepare for war".
*Eddie Ray Routh has been found guilty and sentenced to life without parole in the 2013 death of former Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, who the book and movie American Sniper are based on.
*Amongst the winners at the 87th annual Academy Awards are Birdman (Best Picture, Best Directing, Best Original Screenplay), Julianne Moore for Best Actress (Still Alice), Eddie Redmayne for Best Actor (The Theory of Everything), J. K. Simmons for Best Supporting Actor (Whiplash) and Patricia Arquette for Best Supporting Actress (Boyhood).
*Saving Christmas was the big "winner" of the 35th annual Razzie Awards for Worst Movie, Worst Actor (Kirk Cameron), Worst Screen Combo (Cameron and his ego), and Worst Screenplay.
*Joey Logano won the Daytona 500 of NASCAR.
*James Hahn won the 2015 Northern Trust Open of professional golf.
*Spring training is well underway in preparation for the 2015 Major League Baseball season.
*March 4th marks the 65th anniversary of The Scarlet Pumpernickel, the very first Looney Tunes short to use just about the entire cast of characters.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen, or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 28, 2015

FUN FACT
Because of its slower rotational rate and closer position to the sun, a day on Venus lasts longer than an actual year on Venus!

I'm afraid we start today's Puzzle Corner on a sad note, but I can't help wondering how many people will be able to answer the question correctly.

TRIVIA TIME: REMEMBERING LEONARD NIMOY (1931-2015)
While everyone knows his most iconic role, what was his next part when that series ended its original run?

BEFORE AND AFTER
Two separate phrases have at least one word in common, and can be combined to make something new. Based upon the clue below, do you know what it is?

Cheap School Entertainment

We'll reveal all next weekend.
But for now, let's open the envelope and discover the results in our combined Oscars/Razzies quiz from February 21, 2015's Puzzle Corner.

01. The Razzies are known by what more formal name? The Golden Raspberry Awards.
02. What film won the very first Best Motion Picture Oscar? Wings in 1928.
03. What movie "won" the very first Worst Motion Picture Razzie? Can't Stop the Music in 1980.
04. What movie won the Best Motion Picture Oscar last year?
12 Years a Slave from 2013. Remember, that both awards shows present based on the previous year's films.
05. What were the first new Razzie categories to be added to the original program?
"Worst New Star" and "Worst Musical Score", both have since been retired.
06. What Oscar is technically still available, but hasn't been awarded since 1984?
Best Original Musical, with 1984's winner being Purple Rain.
07. What Razzies were added to the program in 1994?
"Worst Screen Combo" and "Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip off, or Sequel".
08. While the Razzies unfortunately don't get much TV coverage, what year was the first Oscar telecast?
1960, although future airings were sporadic until the 1970s.
09. Who has "won" the most Razzies, to date?
Sylvester Stallone, with 10 "wins" out of 32 nominations.
10. What movie has received the most Oscar nominations, to date?
It's a tie between Titanic (1997) and All About Eve (1950) at 14 each.

SUNDAY FUNNIES: THIS AND THAT (random jokes)

Hello folks! Autumn the Puppy here.
Yes, the weather is still abominable here in my neck of the woods. LOTS of snow and bitterly cold temperatures, with more of the same expected to at least finish out February, if not taking us into the beginning of March 2015 as well.

But you folks came here to be entertained for a few minutes, so let's see what I can dig up.



Why did the flamingo stand on just one leg?
If he had tried standing on no legs, he would have fallen down.

A boy walks into a pet shop and asks, "Can you please sell me a shark?"
The pet shop owner looks at the boy and asked, "Why do you want to buy a shark?"
The boy's answer was, "My cat's been trying to get into the fish tank and I want to teach it a lesson."

What do you get when you cross a pig and a parakeet?
A bird that hogs the conversation.

What letters are NOT in the alphabet?
The ones in your mailbox.

What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt.     0   8

For those in the audience who have a photographic memory, what kind of film do you use?

Would a ticklish subject be the study of feathers?

What's the difference between

here and there?

The letter T.

What has 8 legs, 3 heads, 2 arms, and 2 wings?
A man, riding a horse, carrying a chicken.

Have a great week everybody. Stay safe, and please be back here next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 15-21, 2015

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK...

*Hyundai and Kia are about to initiate a vehicle recall in South Korea.
*North Korea has expressed its dislike of a recent conference in Washington, DC on human rights abuses, and "will respond very strongly, accordingly."
*Research by the University of Leuven indicates that a previously unknown variation of the HIV virus might exist in Cuba.
*Greece and the Eurozone have reached an agreement on bailout terms for the economically challenged country.
*Prokopis Pavlopoulous has been elected President of Greece.
*Timothy Harris is the new Prime Minister of Saint Kitts and Nevis.
*Houthis are discussing an agreement to form a new government in Yemen.
*With the Ebola Virus apparently on the decline in that area, Liberia has reopened its borders.
*Israel suffered the worst snowstorm they have experienced in over a century this past week.
*Australia has been experiencing an unusually high number of cyclones this season.
*Scientists now theorize that some of the universe's supply of lithium may have been produced by novas.

BETWEEN RUSSIA AND THE UKRAINE...

*The Ukraine says that not only have the pro-Russian separatists broken the latest cease fire treaty, but that Russia has now (allegedly) sent more troops and tanks into the Donetsk/Donbass area to support them!
*Fighting has broken out in Debaltseve, a previously unaffected Ukraine area.
*While no evidence has yet to be submitted to prove the tank allegation, the United States and the United Kingdom are considering new sanctions against Russia for breaching the ceasefire agreement.

TERRIBLE TERRORIST ACTIVITIES...
*ISIS/ISIL has released more shocking videos of people they kidnapped being beheaded. Egypt has retaliated over the deaths of 21 Coptic Christians.
*Violence has been breaking out in Copenhagen, including an attack on a Free Speech rally and an assault on a synagogue.
*Nigeria has rescued the towns of Monguno and Baga from Boko Haram terrorists!
*In retaliation, a Boko Haram plane bombed a funeral in Niger, killing 30 civilians.

PASSING PARADE...
*Singer Lesley Gore ("It's My Party", "You Don't Own Me") is no longer with us.
*Comic book artist Brett Ewins (Judge Dredd) has passed away.
*Actor Louis Jourdan (Gigi, James Bond in Octopussy) has taken his last bow on life's stage.
*Poet Philip Levine has left us.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...
POLITICALLY...
*With the budget deadlines looming, the Republican controlled Congress is threatening another government shutdown, including things that were not affected during the first one, like the Department of Homeland Security!
*A Federal District Judge in Brownsville, Texas has issued a temporary stay on President Barack Obama's executive orders concerning immigration reform, giving Texas and other states a change to formally file a lawsuit against the program. The Department of Justice has already said it will appeal the stay and oppose the law suit.
*Senator Rand Paul's claim of having earned a biology degree is being questioned by the Daily Kos.
*The Arizona State Legislature is debating whether or not to limit television coverage of their sessions to just the actual voting on bills.
ELSEWHERE...

*In the aftermath of the Brian Williams scandal, Bill O'Reilly's Middle East war stories are now being called into question.
*Severe winter weather continues to plague the Upper Atlantic Seaboard of the United States.
*Apple is making an over $800 MILLION US Dollar investment in solar power for their facilities.
*The United Steelworkers Union has gone on strike against the Motiva Steel refinery.
*The 35th annual Razzie Awards for the worst in movies will be presented tonight, while the 87th annual Oscars for the best in motion pictures will be presented Sunday night.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 21, 2015

FUN FACT
Silent movies have not been honored in an Oscar ceremony since the very first awards presentation, when an Oscar for Best Title Writing was available.

Pull up a chair. Break out the popcorn and your other favorite movie snacks.
Tonight the 35th annual Razzie Awards will be presented for the worst in movies, while tomorrow night the 87th annual Oscars will be presented for the best in motion pictures.
Obviously, we have a quiz celebrating both, so read the questions carefully before answering. Ready?

01. The Razzies are known by what more formal name?
02. What film won the very first Best Motion Picture Oscar?
03. What movie "won" the very first Worst Motion Picture Razzie?
04. What movie won the Best Motion Picture Oscar last year?
05. What were the first new Razzie categories to be added to the original program?
06. What Oscar is technically still available, but hasn't been awarded since 1984?
07. What Razzies were added to the program in 1994?
08. While unfortunately the Razzies don't get much TV coverage, what year was the first Oscar telecast?
09. Who has "won" the most Razzies (to date)?
10. What movie has received the most Oscar nominations (to date)?

We'll reveal all next weekend. But for now, let's open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results of the February 14th, 2015 Puzzle Corner.

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
To celebrate February 14th, how many new words can you make out of VALENTINE?

A, alien, alive, an, ant, at, ate

Eat, eave, even, evil

I, in, inn, inane, it

Lane, late, Latin, lean, leave, lei, lenient, lent, lie, line, lint, live

Neat, nine, nit

Tan, tea, ten, teen, tile, tin, tine

Veil, vein, vent, vial, vile

More than the 43 listed above might be possible.

PRESIDENTIAL FAMOUS FIRST QUIZ
February 16th was Presidents Day here in the United States.
Did you know who was the first President...

01. To physically live in the White House?
This is a trick question. Technically, John Adams and his family might be the first, since they were there during construction, but officially Thomas Jefferson was the first to occupy the structure during his entire administration.
02. To work in the Oval Office? (The West Wing, where it resides, was a later addition to the structure.) William Howard Taft
03. To marry while in office? Grover Cleveland. He was single when elected.
04. To remarry while in office? John Tyler, for his first wife died during his administration.
05. To see their child actually born in the White House? We're back to Grover Cleveland, who welcomed his daughter Esther into the world during his second term.

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!

For those observing the lunar calendar and the Chinese zodiac, today is your day!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2015 is the year of the (depending upon your perspective on the subject because of an uncertainty in the translations) goat, sheep, or ram.

Either way, people of this sign are said to value love and peace highly.