Sunday, February 26, 2017

SUNDAY FUNNIES: OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR (misc. jokes)

I bark, therefore I am.
Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here.
Well, it's the middle of another long cold day here, but don't worry, I'm snuggled up all warm and safe inside my house with the humans who love me.
But I thought this week that, considering how long I have been a puppy, I'd share some observations with you.
Ready?

Whoever invented the "Knock Knock" joke should get the No-Bell prize.

Jokes about German Sausage are the wurst.

Never trust an atom because they make everything up.

Fake noodles are nothing but Antipastas.

Why is it that night falls, but daybreak?
And who's responsible for cleaning up the mess afterwards?

Are part time bandleaders Semi-Conductors?

If a child tells their parents they want to be a secret agent when they grow up, does that automatically disqualify them from their career choice because they couldn't keep it a secret?

If you are going to make a mistake and screw something up, at least make them wonder how you did it.

Most New Year's Resolutions never seem to last past January.
What do you do the rest of the year?

Dear Winter:
I think it's time for me to start seeing other seasons.
Spring and Summer are much nicer than you.
Sincerely,
Autumn the Puppy.

And on that note, take care folks and please be back here next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 19-25, 2017

NEBRASKA CELEBRATES ITS 150TH ANNIVERSARY OF STATEHOOD MARCH 1.
MARCH 1 IS ALSO THE 145TH ANNIVERSARY OF YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK…
THERE WAS NO TERRORIST ATTACK IN SWEDEN ON FEBRUARY 19!
*The United Nations reports that South Sudan has declared a state of famine in parts of that country.
*In a joint announcement from NASA and the ESA, the existence of four additional planets have been confirmed orbiting the star known as “Trappist 1”. How many of these worlds host life remains to be seen.
*Scientists have discovered several new species of miniature frogs in India.
*The bidding competition to host the 2024 Summer Olympics has been narrowed down to Paris, France and Los Angeles, California.




THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*The Free Syrian Army has freed Al-Bab from ISIL forces.
*Bombs are still the terrorists’ weapon of choice against innocent civilian and military targets.

PASSING PARADE…
*Fox News contributor and commentator Alan Colmes has passed away.
*Legendary guitarist Larry Coryell, known as the "Godfather of Fusion," is no longer with us.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…
*The Trump administration has rescinded ALL the rules concerning transgender rights for students created under the tenure of President Barack Obama.
*Did Chief Advisor Stephen Bannon REALLY admit what many people have suspected about Trump's Cabinet picks is true??? That all were chosen to (allegedly) RUIN their departments?
*Why were The New York Times, CNN, the Los Angeles Times, the New York Daily News, The Hill, the Daily Mail, BBC, Politico, and BuzzFeed banned from attending a press conference Friday February 24th?
*The Trump administration has come out against legalizing marijuana and plans a crackdown on all U.S states that legalize it.
*Lieutenant General H. R. McMaster is the new National Security Adviser.
*In what may be considered an ironic announcement, the Trump administration has come out against fake news!
*Vice President Mike Pence has announced Americans "won't have to worry much longer," for "the nightmare of Obama Care is about to end."
*President Trump’s reorganization of immigration law begins with new executive action concerning deporting illegal aliens accused of committing a crime in this country.
*What was Donald Trump's lawyer doing in the Ukraine???
*President Trump is scheduled to give his first State of the Union Address Tuesday, February 28th, but will he soon be facing the threat of a government shutdown???
MEANWHILE…
*With any potential protesters removed, construction has resumed on the Dakota Access Pipeline.
*Tom Perez is the new head of the Democratic National Committee.
ELSEWHERE…
*The bidding competition to host the 2024 Summer Olympics has been narrowed down to Paris, France and Los Angeles, California.
*The owners of Burger King soon hope to purchase Popeye’s Chicken.
*Despite its previous data breeches, Verizon still hope to soon purchase Yahoo!
*JC Penney announced plans to close between 130 and 140 stores, along with 2 distribution centers, because of sagging sales.
*For movie fans, the Razzies to “honor” the worst in movies this past year will be presented later this Saturday night, while the Oscars will honor the best in cinema Sunday night.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 25, 2017

FUN FACT
No one knows for certain who the Oscar is that the Academy Awards were named after.

AKA: ALSO KNOWN AS
By what name do we know Patricia Reichardt better as?

COMMON BONDS
Because of its difficulty, there is only one subset this time, but there IS something in common between the two items. Do you know what it is?

{The Mills Brothers, The Grateful Dead} And yes we know they are both groups.

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results from our Famous Firsts US Presidential Quiz in the February 18, 2017 Puzzle Corner.

WHO WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT IN UNITED STATES’ HISTORY...
01. To have previously served as Vice President?
John Adams, during the George Washington administration.
02. To serve without a Vice President?
James Madison, from April 10, 1812 to March 4, 1813.
03. To hold the office as an Independent? (And yes, it has been done.)
George Washington, for he never declared any political alliance, except to the fledgling United States of America itself. John Tyler has been the only other independent President (to date), resigning from the Whig party after disagreeing with their policies while in office.
04. To hold the office as a Democrat?
Andrew Jackson.
05. To hold the office as a Republican?
Abraham Lincoln.
06. To be born in the United States after it became an independent country?
Martin Van Buren. While everyone before him was automatically considered a citizen, he was the first born on American soil after the United States won its independence from Great Britain.
07. To not be born within the continental United States?
President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, although many tried to convince people otherwise.
08. To be born in a hospital?
Jimmy Carter, because his mother Rosalyn was on duty working in one when she went into labor with the future President. Otherwise, Richard Nixon would have been the first.
09. To physically live in the White House?
This is a trick question. While technically this honor might be considered John Adams’, for he and his family took occupancy while the White House was still under construction, officially Thomas Jefferson was the first to occupy the structure during his entire administration.
10. To work in the Oval Office? (The West Wing, where it resides, was a later addition.)
William Howard Taft.
11. To marry while in office?
Grover Cleveland, he was single when elected.
12. To remarry while in office?
John Tyler
13. To ever have his photograph taken?
This is another trick question. John Quincy Adams was the very first, but it was as a former President. James Buchanan is the first to be photographed IN office.
14. To ever use a telephone?
Rutherford B. Hayes, but Calvin Coolidge was the first to actually have a phone at his desk. Hayes made and received his calls at the White House switchboard, before direct lines were established.
15. To ever speak on radio?
Woodrow Wilson, predating Franklin Delano Roosevelt's famous weekly "fireside chats".
Teddy Roosevelt on left with pilot.
16. To ever fly in an airplane?
Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt.
17. To ever appear on television?
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, during a demonstration of the device during the 1939 World's Fair.
18. To make a coast to coast television broadcast?
Harry S. Truman, on September 4, 1953.
19. To not deliver the annual State of the Union Address on time?
Ronald Reagan, because of the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

SUNDAY FUNNIES: MUSICALLY YOURS! (misc. jokes)

♫Flying away on a wing and a prayer♫
Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here.
I don't know about where you are, but for me, so far ♫it's been a long cold, lonely winter.♫
Just sitting at home watching TV all the time can get pretty boring when ♫there's 57 channels and nothing's on.♫
At least, not on basic cable.
I'm having more fun with the radio right now. Found an "oldies" station with a lot of songs I haven't heard before, but got caught up listening for so long that I didn't really get a chance to prepare for today's post, so I'm just gonna wing it and come up with jokes based on radio tunes.
Ready?

Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it sure can make misery easier to deal with.
♫Can't buy me love...♫

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match against me at kickboxing!
♫Everybody was kung fu fighting!♫
Although, come to think of it, whatever happened to Hong Kong Phooey?

A manager who smiles in the middle of a crisis has already selected who will be blamed for the mess.
♫You don't believe, we're on the eve of destruction?♫

Some people debate having a career. Others earning a decent paycheck. Why not beat the odds and go for both?
♫Working 9 to 5...♫

If anyone knows a good fish joke, let minnow.
♫I'd like to be, under the sea...♫

War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
♫All we are saying, is give peace a chance.♫

And on that note♫, have a great week everybody and please come back next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!
Maybe by then I'll figure out why they call all these great new songs I've never heard before "oldies".—wd.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 12-18, 2017

THE GAMBIA CELEBRATES INDEPENDENCE DAY TODAY.
MONDAY IS PRESIDENTS DAY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK…
*North Korea had another “missile test” over the Sea of Japan.
*Valentine’s Day has been indefinitely banned in Pakistan.
*Did Russia "influence" a Dutch election too?
*Kim Jong-nam, oldest son of North Korea’s President has been killed, allegedly by two women poisoning him at an airport.
*Frank Walker Steinmeier has been elected President of Germany.
*Adama Barrow is the new President of Gambia.
*Accusing it of spreading propaganda, Venezuela will no longer allow CNN en Espanol broadcasts in its country.
*Unilever has rejected a take over bid from Kraft-Heinz.
*Monopoly is phasing out the Thimble token, but its replacement will not be revealed until "World Monopoly Day" on March 19.
*Rumor the German Shepard was the best dog at the 2017 Westminster Kennel Club Show.



THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*Bombs are still the primary weapon of choice against innocent civilians and government targets overseas, with more incidents reported from the Middle East this week than last week.
*Please note that The Free Choice E-zine does NOT believe in giving any villain their "15 minutes of fame" and minimizes their "credit" in any event whenever possible.

PASSING PARADE…
*Singer Al Jarreau (The theme from Moonlighting, “Since I Fell For You”, and countless more) has passed away.
*Norma McCorvey, “Jane Roe” of Roe versus Wade, is no longer with us.
*Kim Jong-nam, oldest son of North Korea’s President Kim Jong-il.
*Professional wrestler turned actor George Steele is no longer with us.
*Actor Warren Frost (Twin Peaks, Matlock, Seinfeld) has taken his last bow from life's stage.
*Professional wrestler Nicole Bass has passed away.
*Professional wrestler Ivan Koloff is no longer with us.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…
*Rather than be a possible security risk to President Trump, the current National Security Adviser Michael T. Flynn has resigned because he discussed possible sanctions with Russian officials BEFORE he took office. Retired General Keith Kellogg is now acting Adviser until a replacement can be found.
*Yet Donald Trump still does not want to discuss his possible connections with Russia.
*The Federal Bureau of Investigation has at least 3 different probes underway investigating Russia's possible influence on the 2016 Presidential election.
*Did President Trump create a possible security risk himself at Mar-a-Lago???
*The Republican controlled Senate has confirmed Steven Mnuchin as Secretary of the Treasury, Mick Mulvaney as the head of the Office and Management, and Scott Pruitt (a known climate change denier) as head of the Environmental Protection Agency; but Andrew Puzder has withdrawn his name for consideration as Secretary of Labor. Alexander Acosta is now the new nominee for that position.
*You may consider this premature, but Donald Trump is scheduled to kick off his 2020 Presidential Reelection campaign later today, February 18.
*CBS News looks at reality versus alternate facts via Donald Trump.
*Apparently, Betsy DeVos is not off to a good start as the new Secretary of Education.
MEANWHILE…
*Defense Secretary Jim Mattis warned NATO members Wednesday February 15 to increase military spending by year's end or risk seeing the U.S. curtail its defense support.
*Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy has announced his impending retirement as of March 4th.
*While there are no reported results from the Day Without Immigrants event Thursday, where legal immigrants stayed home from work and school to protest President Trump's proposed immigration reform, the White House has remained silent on the matter.
*Republicans who were extremely critical of Hillary Clinton now find the shoe on the other foot.
*Donald Trump does NOT have to make his tax returns public!
ELSEWHERE…
*Former Vice President Joe Biden is now the chairman of the National Constitution Center, a nonpartisan museum focused on educating Americans about the Constitution.
*At the 2017 Grammy Awards, Adele won both Song and Record of the Year for “Hello” with her album 25 named Album of the Year. David Bowie’s Blackstar was posthumously honored for Best Alternative Music Album, Best Engineered Album, and Best Rock Performance.
*Many Grammy and music fans are curious about Beyonce’s “snub” at the awards event.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 18, 2017

FUN FACT
The Infinity Sign is also known as a lemniscate.

With Presidents Day this Monday here in the United States, we present our annual Presidents Day Famous Firsts Quiz, with a couple of NEW questions in the mix. Ready?

Do you know who was the first President of the United States…?
01. To have previously served as Vice President?
02. To serve without a Vice President?
03. To hold the office as an Independent? (And yes, it has been done.)
04. To hold the office as a Democrat?
05. To hold the office as a Republican?
06. To be born in the United States after it became an independent country?
07. To not be born within the continental United States?
08. To be born in a hospital?
09. To physically live in the White House?
10. To work in the Oval Office? (The West Wing, where it resides, was a later addition.)
11. To marry while in office?
12. To remarry while in office?
13. To ever have his photograph taken?
14. To ever use a telephone?
15. To ever speak on radio?
16. To fly in an airplane?
17. To ever appear on television?
18. To ever make a coast to coast TV broadcast?
19. To not deliver the annual State of the Union address on time?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results from the February 11, 2017 Puzzle Corner.

FAMOUS FIRSTS
Who was the first woman to ever be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Aretha Franklin.

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Considering what February 14th is, how many new words can you spell from the letters in VALENTINE?
A, alien, alive, an, ant, at, ate
Eat, eave, even, evil
I, in, inn, inane, it
Lane, late, Latin, lean, leave, lei, lenient, lent, lie, line, lint, live
Neat, nine, nit
Tan, tea, ten, teen, tile, tin, tine
Veil, vein, vent, vial, vile

More than the 43 words listed above might be possible.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

SUNDAY FUNNIES: ♫ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE♫ (Celebrity Quotes)

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!
Tuesday is Valentine's Day, but as much as I love to tell jokes, it's been a while since I've posted any Celebrity Quotes, so I thought I'd combine the two.
When necessary, I respond in italics. Ready?

♫All you need is love.♫—The Beatles.
"All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."—Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts.

"I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds around my neck."—Emma Goldman.
Maybe, but a full food dish for your pet(s) at meal time doesn't hurt either.

"Valentine's Day, or as men like to call it: Extortion Day."—Comedian Jay Leno.
Showing your love any signs of affection isn't extortion, unless February 14th is one of the few times you ever do it.

"Even in the very beginning when she would bump into George Valentine and people would start taking pictures of her, she never thought, 'I'm with George Valentine. I need to get a picture with him.' She's like 'oh that's funny. Everyone's taking pictures!'"—Actress Bérénice Bejo, although in all honesty I have no idea who she's refering to in that quote.

"It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, etc.; just because it has to be able to play forever in syndication."—Actress Hannah Simone.
Well, they may be "seasonal", but thankfully there's already plenty of material available on all those holidays.
Yet love SHOULD be eternal.
Shouldn't it?

And on that note, I sincerely hope you get to spend February 14th and the rest of time with the one you love, and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies.—AtP.