SUNDAY FUNNIES: SMART JOKES (misc. jokes)

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!
Sometimes it's very difficult to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
There are times when I come across a great joke, but none of my fellow dogs get it.
They'd rather spend all their time eating, sleeping, and dreaming about eating and sleeping.
Therefore, I'm gonna share some of these great jokes with you folks.
Ready?

In the herb garden, Basil said, "Enjoy the sunshine while you can. Eventually we all will end up in recipes."
Rosemary thought this sage advice was a long thyme cumin.

A-void-a-ble (verb)

A Royal Flush!

Definition: what bullfighters try to do. Avoid the bull.

Did you hear someone stole all the toilets in the public restroom last month?
The crime remains unsolved because the police still have nothing to go on.

A man's wife wanted to watch a scary movie, so he took a video of him opening their credit card bills.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

During the last intermission of a performance of Beethoven's ninth symphony, the conductor realized the last few pages of his sheet music was missing.
He told his assistant about it, who remembered those pages fell out in the dressing room, which was now locked. The assistant promised he would get them to the conductor before the intermission was over.
"I hope so," growled the conductor, "and while you are at it, keep your eyes on the bass players. They've been drinking since this intermission started."
The assistant got coffee into the bass players and then hunted down a security man with keys to the conductor's dressing room.
The guard asked, "What's all the fuss about?
The assistant said, "It's the bottom of the 9th,  the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

And on that note♫, have a great week everybody and please be back here next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: SEPTEMBER 18-24, 2016

SEPTEMBER 24TH IS INDEPENDENCE DAY IN GUINEA, HERITAGE DAY IN SOUTH AFRICA, AND REPUBLIC DAY IN TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO.

SEPTEMBER 26 MARKS STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE'S 15TH ANNIVERSARY.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK...

*The Paris Accords to combat Climate Change are gaining more support!
*China's space program has announced its prototype satellite Tiangong-1 is expected to fall and destroy itself during reentry sometime in 2017. Meanwhile, that country has covered a portion of the Great Wall with CEMENT!
*Volkswagen's legal troubles continue as a new wave of lawsuits arises from their previous emissions scandal.
*The 2016 Rugby Championship was won by New Zealand.


THE TERRORIST REPORT...
*Regardless of how they're delivered, bombs are still the terrorist weapon of choice this past week.
*Syria believes ISIL forces responsible for shooting down one of their planes this past week.
*Iraqi Armed Forces have recaptured al-Shirqat from ISIL terrorists.
*The bomber suspected of setting off explosive devices between New York and New Jersey has been identified and arrested by authorities.
*Authorities are still searching at post time for the shooter at the Cascade Mall in Burlington, Washington state who killed 5 people and injured two others.

PASSING PARADE...
*Noted voice artist C. Martin Croker (Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Brak Show) has passed away.
*Film director/screen writer Curtis Hanson (L.A. Confidential, 8 Mile, Wonder Boys) is no longer with us.
*Singer/song writer John D. Loudermilk ("Tobacco Road", "Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye", "Indian Reservation") has taken his last bow on life's stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...
POLITICALLY...
*The New York Times has officially endorsed Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton for President.
*Current Vice President Joe Biden revealed why he didn't seek the Democratic nomination.

MEANWHILE...
*North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory declared a state of emergency because of riots protesting the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott in Charlotte, after he was shot while police were looking for someone else.
ELSEWHERE...
*Yahoo! revealed this week that hackers infiltrated its network in late 2014 and stole at least 500 million user account's worth of information.
*Amongst the winners of the 2016/68th Primetime Emmy Awards are Game of Thrones (Outstanding Drama Series), Veep (Outstanding Comedy Series, Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Lead Comedy Actress), and The People v. O.J. Simpson: An American Crime Story (Outstanding Limited Series, Courtney B. Vance for Lead Actor and Sarah Paulson for Lead Actress).

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: SEPTEMBER 24, 2016

FUN FACT
Charlie Chaplin once came in third in a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest!

WHAT'S THAT SONG?
A lyric from a famous number is below. All you have to do is know what that song is. Ready?

♫It's for the best you didn't listen♫

TRIVIA TIME
Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?

We'll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let's open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results of the September 17, 2016 Puzzle Corner.

TRIVIA TIME
What is the only naturally occurring element of the periodic table that science has NOT been able to reproduce artificially?
HELIUM! It is estimated that the world's current supply will only last another 30 years at most.

THE 50/50 CHANCE
Just like a regular TRIVIA TIME question, except there are only two possible answers, hence the even odds of getting it right. Ready?
TRUE OR FALSE: Television's original Mission: Impossible team consisted of master of disguise Rollin Hand (Martin Landau), femme fatale Cinnamon Carter (Barbara Bain), electronics expert Barney Collier (Greg Morris), strong man Willy Armitage (Peter Lupis), and team leader Jim Phelps (Peter Graves).

FALSE! The team leader for the very first season was Dan Briggs, played by Steven Hill. Graves took over as Phelps for season 2 onward.

THE SUNDAY FUNNIES: ODD FACTS (misc. jokes)

One smart baby dragon!

Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here!

I'm back in Dragon School and boy, the things I've learned so far!
Despite what was once believed, ketchup is NOT a vegetable.
Then again, tomatoes are technically a fruit, but they're not good in fruit salad.

So let's look at some other unique facts.
My comments are in italics.

Chaplin, in character

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-
alike contest.
Geez. You'd think he'd win.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
WOW! I love pizza! Where can you buy pizza seeds and how do you plant an acre of it?

It's impossible to hum and hold your breath at the same time.
Okay, by now you've tried it and know it's true. But who discovered, let alone tested this to begin with?

The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is estimated to be 9000 years old!
I wonder how old the desk was they found it under?

Feel free to count them yourself

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball in the United States and 330 in the United Kingdom.
Okay, but why the difference, and what happened to the 6 missing dimples?

"Would YOU like to take a survey?"

In a survey of 200,000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to
bury its head in the sand.
Okay, I give up. This one really puzzles me. How do you survey an ostrich?
Did they send them a form in the mail? Was there one person that spent 80 years personally interviewing each ostrich?
Then again, maybe ostriches like surveys.

My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.
Then again...

When you think an idea is dumb and cannot be used, remember someone once said, "Let us make a movie about a tornado filled with sharks."
And on that note♫, have a great week everybody and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—wd.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: SEPTEMBER 11-17, 2016

SEPTEMBER 18TH IS NATIONAL DAY IN CHILE.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK...

*While the matter is still being debated, Great Britan could officially begin its departure from the European Union in 2017. A massive petition calling for a second vote on the decision has been gathered, and many are having doubts now.
*The Syrian civil war has been paused for a cease fire.
*Flooding as the result of Typhoon Lionrock has killed over 130+ people and left over 100,000+ homeless in North Korea. Yet that country hasn't said much publicly about local relief efforts.
*The "Sugar is responsible for obesity" cover up!
*The wreck of the HMS Terror, lost since 1848, has been found.
*Another theory on what might have happened to Amelia Earhart.



THE TERRORIST REPORT...
*The bombing of innocents and civilian targets continued this past week, although Nigerian forces have claimed a victory against Boko Haram forces in the Diffa Region.

PASSING PARADE...
*Actress Alexis Arquette (The Wedding Singer, Pulp Fiction) has taken her last bow on life's stage.
*Playwright Edward Albee (Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?) has passed away.
*Actress Kim McGuire (Cry Baby) has taken her last bow on life's stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...
THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL...

*Health seems to be a current campaign issue with Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton battling a case of pneumonia and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump not fully revealing his medical status, not even after an appearance on The Doctor Oz Show.
*Donald Trump finally acknowledged the fact that President Barack Obama was born in the United States, but you won't believe who he thinks started the "birther movement".
*Obviously Trump and former General Colin Powell don't agree.
*The first debate between Clinton and Trump is scheduled to take place September 26th.
*An independent fact check of Trump's proposed "penny plan".
POLITICALLY...
*The Obama administration is planning to lift sanctions against Myanmar and will raise the number of refugees allowed in the country next year to 110,000.
ELSEWHERE...
*The last thing you want to do when a child is crying is to HANDCUFF them!
*School textbooks should NOT be racist!
*Miss Arkansas Savvy Shields is the new Miss America.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: SEPTEMBER 17, 2016

FUN FACT
George Washington was the only candidate in American history to be UNANIMOUSLY elected President by everyone who voted!


TRIVIA TIME
What is the only naturally occurring element of the periodic table that science has NOT been able to reproduce artifically?

THE 50/50 CHANCE
Just like a regular TRIVIA TIME question, except there are only two possible answers, hence the even odds of getting it right. Ready?
TRUE OR FALSE: Television's original Mission: Impossible team consisted of master of disguise Rollin Hand (Martin Landau), femme fatale Cinnamon Carter (Barbara Bain), electronics expert Barney Collier (Greg Morris), strong man Willy Armitage (Peter Lupis), and team leader Jim Phelps (Peter Graves).

We'll reveal all next weekend, but for now let's open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results of the September 10, 2016 Puzzle Corner.

FAMOUS FIRSTS
What video game was the first with the capability to allow players to save their progress?
The very first Legend of Zelda game for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).

TRIVIA TIME
Who is the only musical act (to date) to have four number one albums within a span of twelve months?

The Monkees, circa 1980s

A LOT of people e-mailed this e-zine claiming that the question was too easy because the answer was The Beatles, but the CORRECT ANSWER IS The Monkees!
Their first four albums, starting with their debut record (The Monkees), along with More of The Monkees, Headquarters, and Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, and Jones Ltd; were all number one during 1967!

SUNDAY FUNNIES: SUMMER CLEARANCE (misc. jokes)

Furry, but cool

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!

I just cannot believe that we are already into September 2016.
My favorite sport, baseball, has less than 20 regular season games left while football season has already begun.
But have you ever tried catching a football?
Those things are so oddly shaped, there's no way for a dog to get a decent grip on one in its muzzle.

Not a decent chew toy for a dog.

Anyway, soon the leaves will begin to change colors.
The temperatures will turn (hopefully just somewhat) cooler.
The new TV season will start...
So I thought I'd get a jump on things by telling some of my leftover Summer jokes now so I have room in my doghouse for all the new Fall jokes that will be coming soon.
Ready?

If Womb is pronounced WOOM
and Tomb is pronounced TOOM
Shouldn't Bomb be pronounced BOOM?

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

I just checked my account balance at the ATM.
It printed out a coupon for Ramen Noodles.


A man leaves home, makes 3 lefts and is faced by two masked men. Where is he?
On a baseball diamond.

A psychic was out clothes shopping and the store employee asked "How about this one?"
The Psychic replied. "It's too small. I'm a medium."

Two caterpillars are strolling along in the park when a butterfly goes by.
One points up and says to the other, "You'll never get me up in one of those."

And on that note♫, have a great week and please be back next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.