Sunday, May 29, 2016

SUNDAY FUNNIES: ♫SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN!♫

Hello Everybody! Since this is the Memorial Day weekend here in the United States, the ladies are off so you have Editor-In-Chief Lee Houston, Junior here to entertain you for a few minutes.

Okay. Don't groan! I may not be as funny as Autumn the Puppy or Waxy Dragon, but I do make the effort, and I actually have something funny to share with you today.

During my travels, I've come across some interesting signs, and I'd thought I'd share some of them with you. Ready?

The one on the left was sent in by E-zine reader and Waxy Dragon's
creator Roger Stegman, which makes you wonder about his diet.

The one on the right I found on the Internet, but is Don Quixote de la Mancha REALLY that much of a nuisance to the local windmills?


It's 2016 not 1984, but with today's bureaucracy...

Meanwhile, the one on the right makes one wonder just when you CAN park.





"Oh Mistah Jay..." The sign on the left is from an actual 1950s era
shopping center, and I wonder how many non superhero fans will understand the opening comment.

Meanwhile, hope Superman or Clark Kent isn't jealous about a certain intrepid reporter getting the honor on the right...





Real men don't get lost. We just find alternate destinations while driving.
Unfortunately, it's not that easy reaching the destination as indicated on the
sign at left, so most of us just have to do what the sign on the right suggests.


And of course, there is the classic song from 1971 by the Five Man Electrical Band...



See?
Told you I could be funny!
Now I just have to come up with something for the Fourth of July weekend, the Labor Day weekend, the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's holiday weekends...
Hmm... Think I better go lie down for a while.
In any event, have a great week everybody.
Please remember the TRUE reason for Memorial Day, and we hope to see you back here next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—lth,jr.

Video courtesy of YouTube.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: MAY 22-28, 2016

MAY IS BREAST CANCER
AWARENESS MONTH!
ARMENIA AND AZERBAIJAN CELEBRATE
REPUBLIC DAY TODAY.
MAY 29th IS THE INTERNATIONAL DAY OF UNITED NATIONS' PEACEKEEPERS.
MAY 29th IS DEMOCRACY DAY IN NIGERIA.
MAY 29th IS THE 100th RUNNING OF THE INDIANAPOLIS 500 PROFESSIONAL AUTO RACE.
MONDAY IS MEMORIAL DAY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK...
*TOYOTA IS RECALLING OVER 1.6 MILLION VEHICLES BECAUSE OF AN AIRBAG ISSUE.
*2016 is projected to be the warmest year on record yet, with April 2016 the 12th straight month of record high global temperatures.
*Binali Yıldırım was appointed Prime Minister of Turkey following the resignation of Ahmet Davutoğlu.
*In the Tajikistani constitutional referendum, voters approved the removal of term limits for incumbent President Emomali Rahmon.
*Alexander Van der Bellen has been elected President of Austria.
*Rodrigo Duterte was officially elected President and Leni Robredo Vice President of the Philippines.
*Voters in Vietnam went to the polls to choose legislators for Parliament, despite the fact that the only legal party in the country is the Communist Party, which has already chosen its Parliament.
*United States President Barack Obama officially ended the American arms embargo with Vietnam during his recent diplomatic visit to that country.
*Those found guilty of child sexual abuse in Indonesia will now face punishment by chemical castration.
*Health officials are concerned about the spread of the Zika virus in Haiti.
*Planet Earth has lost roughly ONE BILLION BIRDS since 1970!
*Google's offices in central Paris were raided by French finance officials as part of a tax fraud investigation. Google is accused of owing €1.6bn ($1.8bn; £1.3bn) in unpaid taxes. No word on the "success" of the raid or how it affects the investigation since.
*Early evidence investigating the crash of Egypt Air Flight 804 suggests an explosion (origin currently unknown) caused the accident.
*Russian President Vladimir Putin has warned Romania and Poland against hosting parts of the United States' proposed missile defense shield.
*The Eurozone has agreed to a €10.3 billion ($11.48 billion) bailout package for Greece.
*Monsanto has officially rejected Bayer's initial merger offer, but said it was "open" to further discussions.
*Archaeologists believe a recently discovered 2,400-year-old tomb might be Aristotle's.
*Sir Paul McCartney has admitted that he once suffered from post-Beatles depression and almost gave up music!


TERRIBLE TERRORIST ACTIVITIES...
*Bombs still seem to be the primary weapon of choice.

PASSING PARADE...
*Actor Buck Kartalian (the original Planet of the Apes with Charlton Heston, Cool Hand Luke, The Rock) has taken his last bow on life's stage.
*Cartoonist Mell Lazarus (Miss Peach, Momma) is no longer with us.
*Actor Burt Kwouk (the original Pink Panther with Peter Sellers, Last of the Summer Wine, James Bond: Goldfinger) has taken his last bow on life's stage.
*Actress Angela Patton (Groundhog Day, American Wedding) has taken her last bow on life's stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...
POLITICALLY...
*Thousands of LIVING veterans were mistakenly declared dead by the Department of Veteran Affairs, thus losing benefits in the process!
*Now running unopposed and believing he has enough delegates to win the Republican Presidential nomination this summer, hopeful Donald Trump has now turned his attention to opposing Hillary Clinton, despite the fact that neither political party has officially chosen their candidates yet.
*Former Secretary of State and Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton was criticized by the State Department’s Inspector General for using a private email server while she was Secretary of State, but noted that former Secretary of State Colin Powell also had a private email server too.
*What is Donald Trump's current opinion on global warming?
*Meanwhile, did Donald Trump "profit" from September 11, 2001, and how "pro gun" is his wife?
*President Barack Obama officially ended the American arms embargo with Vietnam during his recent diplomatic visit to that country.
*Hate crimes against law enforcement are now officially illegal in Louisiana.
*While he still won't discuss his post presidency plans, it has been learned where the Obamas will live after January 2017.
ELSEWHERE...
*A Pennsylvania court found this week that there is enough evidence to hold entertainer Bill Cosby on felony indecent assault charges in relation to the case of Andrea Constand v. William H. Cosby, Junior.
*While the how remains unknown, Nile crocodiles have been found in Florida!
*For the third year in a row, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has ended in a tie!
*A construction crew in Boston, Massachuesetts has found remains of a shipwreck dating back to the 1800s.
*The Pittsburgh Penguins will face the San Jose Sharks in the 2016 Stanley Cup finals of professional ice hockey.
*In Major League Baseball, the Boston Red Sox have officially retired Number 26, once worn by Hall of Fame Third Baseman Wade Boggs.
*For the first time in over a decade, an episode of Wheel of Fortune ended in a tie.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: MAY 28, 2016

FUN FACT
Memorial Day in the United States of America was originally known as Decoration Day.

TRIVIA TIME
When was the very first, official Memorial Day held?

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
How many new words can you spell out of the letters in the word MEMORIAL?

We'll reveal all next weekend. But for now, let's open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results of the May 21, 2016 Puzzle Corner.

A.K.A. (Also Known As)
A familiar adage has been rephrased in the sentence below.
Do you know what it is?

"Position your legal tender at the exact location of your speaking organ." = "Put your money where your mouth is."

RHYME TIME
The clue to something is listed below, but no matter how long your answer to identify it is, every word within your response must rhyme. Ready?

An artificial mallard.= Fake Drake

Sunday, May 22, 2016

SUNDAY FUNNIES: PLAY BALL! (baseball jokes)

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!

It's finally Spring, even if the weather isn't cooperating everywhere, and in Spring, a young dog's heart turns to thoughts of...
BASEBALL!

I just love chasing balls, even though I don't want to let go of them afterward and no one likes a wet ball with teeth marks.

But baseball is a world wide sport, so let's celebrate with some baseball themed jokes!


The coach knows that he will soon need a new pitcher on the mound, so has his assistant call the bullpen to start warming somebody up.
"Hello? Bullpen?" asked the assistant coach.
"MOOO!" was the reply.

A woman called a delivery service and said, "I need a baseball quote."
"It ain't over til its over, by Yogi Berra," said the man on the other end of the phone.
There was a brief moment of silence. "What was that?" she asked.
"You asked for a baseball quote. That was the first thing that came to my head," the delivery man said.
"Oh. My husband asked me to call and get a baseball quote."
"Does he want to ship something?"
"Yes."
"Maybe he meant a ballpark figure?" realized the delivery man.

Where is the world's largest diamond found?
On a baseball field.

What kind of socks do baseball players love to wear?
The ones with runs in them.
Of course, there's also the White Sox and the Red Sox, but that's a different story.

Our baseball team was so bad playing away games, fans started calling them the Road Kills.

You know you're a huge baseball fan when...
Doctor: What did you dream about last night?
Patient: Baseball.
Doctor: And what did you dream about the night before?
Patient: Baseball.
Doctor: Don't you ever dream about anything else?
Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

A son approaches his father and says, "Dad, I can't find my baseball mitt."
"Did you look in the car?" asked Dad.
"I did, but I couldn't find it."
"Did you try the glove compartment?"

What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Considering this week's theme, it certainly wasn't four and a half frogs!
And on that note, have a great week everybody and we'll be back next weekend with more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: MAY 15-21, 2016

MAY IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!
MAY 21st IS NAVY DAY IN CHILE.
MAY 22nd IS INTERNATIONAL BIODIVERSITY DAY.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK...
*Egypt Air Flight 804 with 66 people on board, crashed into the Mediterranean Sea in route from Paris to Cairo. Still in the early stages of the search and rescue as well as the investigative operations, survivors remain unknown and terrorism has yet to be ruled out as the cause of the crash.
*While it has yet to officially become law, the United States' Senate passed legislation that would allow victims of the September 11, 2001 attacks to file lawsuits seeking damages from Saudi Arabia, despite Saudi threats to pull billions of dollars from the U.S. economy.
*Because of growing concerns over North Korea; South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their very first joint anti-missile exercise sometime in June.
*Bayer would like to merge with Monsanto! Approval for the transaction is pending.
*The Vegetarian, written by Han Kang and translated into English by Deborah Smith, has won the Man Booker International Prize.
*Max Verstappen has won the 2016 Spanish Grand Prix, making him the youngest (at 18) competitor to do so.

TERRIBLE TERRORIST ACTIVITIES...
*While bombs of various styles (suicide and otherwise) were the weapon of choice again this past week, authorities are beginning to suspect ISIS/ISIL forces have added chemical weapons (mustard gas and chlorine) to their arsenal.
*Internal fighting has been reported between Jaysh al-Islam and rival factions led by al-Qaeda’s Nusra Front in Ghouta, near Damascus.

PASSING PARADE...
*Actor Michael Roberds (Elf, Hot Tub Time Machine) has taken his last bow on life's stage.
*André Brahic, the French astrophysicist who discovered the planet Neptune has rings, is no longer with us.
*Actress Julia Meade (The Ed Sullivan Show, Pillow Talk), has taken her last bow on life's stage.
*Voice actress Yūko Mizutani (Minnie Mouse, Black Jack, Tenchi Muyo!) has passed away.
*Folk singer-songwriter Guy Clark ("Desperados Waiting for a Train", "Workbench Songs", "My Favorite Picture of You") is no longer with us.
*Actor Alan Young (Mr. Ed, George Pal's version of The Time Machine, the voice of Scrooge McDuck for decades) has taken his last bow on life's stage.
*Journalist Morley Safer (60 Minutes) has passed away.
*Actress Madeleine Lebeau (Casablanca, Hold Back The Dawn) has taken her last bow on life's stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...
POLITICALLY...
*Because of growing concerns over North Korea; South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their very first joint anti-missile exercise sometime in June.
*With Donald Trump now running unopposed for the Republican Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders SPLIT the Kentucky Democratic Primary! The mail in ballots for Oregon were still being counted at posting time, although Sanders is the projected winner there.
*Despite previously expressing the opposite position as a businessman, potential Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump has told the National Rifle Association he will protect/defend the Second Amendment to the Constitution, will eliminate "gun free zones" when he's President, and that Hillary Clinton will weaken gun owners' rights if she's elected.
*Despite the fact Congressional Democrats had the votes to get the measure passed, the Republican controlled House of Representatives vetoed a measure that would of protected gay rights.
*While it has yet to officially become law, the Senate passed legislation that would allow victims of the September 11 attacks to file lawsuits seeking damages from Saudi Arabia, despite Saudi threats to pull billions of dollars from the U.S. economy.
*President Barack Obama has taken executive action to make anyone earning up to $47,476 a year, or roughly $913 a week, eligible for overtime pay. Whether or not the measure is effective, since employers can always schedule their workers to prevent them from earning overtime to begin with, remains to be seen.
*Was New Jersey Governor Chris Christie right or wrong in cutting aid to the poor?
*Republican Governor Mary Fallin vetoed State Senate Bill 1552, which would have made abortions illegal in Oklahoma, despite the fact Roe v. Wade is still a national law. Meanwhile, the Oklahoma Legislature has filed a measure asking for Congress to impeach President Barack Obama over his decision to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms corresponding to their gender identity, instead of their birth genders as per North Carolina's state law.
*American Airlines is worried that North Carolina might reinstate jet fuel taxes since the company has come out against that state's "bathroom law".
*The next time you're running for office and allow the press to see what's on your computer,
don't forget to close your porn sites!
*A unanimous opinion of the U.S. Supreme Court finds that the constitutional guarantee of a speedy trial does not guarantee a speedy sentencing hearing too.
*Barack Obama has become the first President in office to address the graduating class of Rutgers University, to commemorate the facility's 250th anniversary.
ELSEWHERE...
*Betha Young FINALLY got her crown as Miss America 1948. The 90 year old former Miss New Mexico contestant never had a crowning ceremony, only receiving a ribbon and sash to celebrate her victory because of the temporary depression following World War 2.
*Google has received a patent for an adhesive on the body of its self-driving cars. The so-called human flypaper was designed to minimize injuries in a pedestrian accident by holding the person to the car rather than throwing them after impact.
*Evidence of a new species of horned dinosaur, Machairoceratops cronusi, thought to have lived about 77 million years ago, has been discovered in southern Utah.
*The Oppenheimer Blue, a large and rare blue diamond, was sold at auction for $57.6 million.
*The 2016 Preakness, the second race of professional horse racing's Triple Crown, was won by "Exaggerator". "Nyquist", who won the Kentucky Derby as his eighth straight victory, came in third.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: MAY 21, 2016

FUN FACT
Strawberries are grown in every member of the United States of America and every province of Canada.

A.K.A. (Also Known As)
A familiar adage has been rephrased in the sentence below.
Do you know what it is?

"Position your legal tender at the exact location of your speaking organ."

RHYME TIME
The clue to something is listed below, but no matter how long your answer to identify it is, every word within your response must rhyme. Ready?

An artificial mallard.

We'll reveal all next weekend. But for now, let's open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results from the May 14, 2016 Puzzle Corner.

NEXT?
There is a specific pattern to the items listed below. Can you guess what the next one in the sequence should be?

KC, SD, SF, _______?
Next on the list would be TB, because you have the scoreboard abbreviations for the Kansas City (Royals), San Diego (Padres), San Francisco (Giants) and the Tampa Bay (Devil/Rays) teams.

COMMON BONDS
The items within each subset below have something specific in common.
Do you know what it is?
01. {LAD, OAK, PIT, SEA} = These are all regular words as well as being the scoreboard abbreviations for the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Oakland Athletics, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the Seattle Mariners.
02. {ARI, MIA, TEX} = These are also names as well as the scoreboard abbreviations for the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Miami Marlins, and the Texas Rangers.
03. {DET, MIN} = These are abbreviations (for detective and minimum, respectively) besides being the scoreboard abbreviations for the Detroit Tigers and the Minnesota Twins.
04. {This entire edition of The Puzzle Corner} = BASEBALL!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

SUNDAY FUNNIES: DRAGON LIFE LESSONS

Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here.

We've been studying humans in Dragon School.

You people are fascinating critters, and I thought I'd share some of what I've learned with you.

For instance...

"If 2 heads are better than 1..."
Some days you eat salads and go to the gym.
Some days you eat cupcakes and stay home.
From your perspective, it's all a question of balance.
Okay. If you say so, but when did you buy the cupcakes and can I have some?

One of the happiest moments in your life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can't change.
I understand, but why were you holding on to that to begin with?

Wouldn't life be perfect if Mondays were fun and goodbyes only meant "See you later?"
What? That isn't what goodbye means? And I don't recall life ever coming with a guarantee to begin with.

They say if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I say, make the lemonade, and then share it with your friends!

I'd rather look back on my life and say "I can't believe I did that," instead of "I wish I did that."
Then again, considering a lot of the mischief I get into...

Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life.
You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.
So this concludes today's edition of The Sunday Funnies. We'll return next weekend, but until then: go out and enjoy life folks!—wd.