Sunday, February 19, 2017

SUNDAY FUNNIES: MUSICALLY YOURS! (misc. jokes)

♫Flying away on a wing and a prayer♫
Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here.
I don't know about where you are, but for me, so far ♫it's been a long cold, lonely winter.♫
Just sitting at home watching TV all the time can get pretty boring when ♫there's 57 channels and nothing's on.♫
At least, not on basic cable.
I'm having more fun with the radio right now. Found an "oldies" station with a lot of songs I haven't heard before, but got caught up listening for so long that I didn't really get a chance to prepare for today's post, so I'm just gonna wing it and come up with jokes based on radio tunes.
Ready?

Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it sure can make misery easier to deal with.
♫Can't buy me love...♫

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match against me at kickboxing!
♫Everybody was kung fu fighting!♫
Although, come to think of it, whatever happened to Hong Kong Phooey?

A manager who smiles in the middle of a crisis has already selected who will be blamed for the mess.
♫You don't believe, we're on the eve of destruction?♫

Some people debate having a career. Others earning a decent paycheck. Why not beat the odds and go for both?
♫Working 9 to 5...♫

If anyone knows a good fish joke, let minnow.
♫I'd like to be, under the sea...♫

War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
♫All we are saying, is give peace a chance.♫

And on that note♫, have a great week everybody and please come back next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!
Maybe by then I'll figure out why they call all these great new songs I've never heard before "oldies".—wd.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 12-18, 2017

THE GAMBIA CELEBRATES INDEPENDENCE DAY TODAY.
MONDAY IS PRESIDENTS DAY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK…
*North Korea had another “missile test” over the Sea of Japan.
*Valentine’s Day has been indefinitely banned in Pakistan.
*Did Russia "influence" a Dutch election too?
*Kim Jong-nam, oldest son of North Korea’s President has been killed, allegedly by two women poisoning him at an airport.
*Frank Walker Steinmeier has been elected President of Germany.
*Adama Barrow is the new President of Gambia.
*Accusing it of spreading propaganda, Venezuela will no longer allow CNN en Espanol broadcasts in its country.
*Unilever has rejected a take over bid from Kraft-Heinz.
*Monopoly is phasing out the Thimble token, but its replacement will not be revealed until "World Monopoly Day" on March 19.
*Rumor the German Shepard was the best dog at the 2017 Westminster Kennel Club Show.



THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*Bombs are still the primary weapon of choice against innocent civilians and government targets overseas, with more incidents reported from the Middle East this week than last week.
*Please note that The Free Choice E-zine does NOT believe in giving any villain their "15 minutes of fame" and minimizes their "credit" in any event whenever possible.

PASSING PARADE…
*Singer Al Jarreau (The theme from Moonlighting, “Since I Fell For You”, and countless more) has passed away.
*Norma McCorvey, “Jane Roe” of Roe versus Wade, is no longer with us.
*Kim Jong-nam, oldest son of North Korea’s President Kim Jong-il.
*Professional wrestler turned actor George Steele is no longer with us.
*Actor Warren Frost (Twin Peaks, Matlock, Seinfeld) has taken his last bow from life's stage.
*Professional wrestler Nicole Bass has passed away.
*Professional wrestler Ivan Koloff is no longer with us.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…
*Rather than be a possible security risk to President Trump, the current National Security Adviser Michael T. Flynn has resigned because he discussed possible sanctions with Russian officials BEFORE he took office. Retired General Keith Kellogg is now acting Adviser until a replacement can be found.
*Yet Donald Trump still does not want to discuss his possible connections with Russia.
*The Federal Bureau of Investigation has at least 3 different probes underway investigating Russia's possible influence on the 2016 Presidential election.
*Did President Trump create a possible security risk himself at Mar-a-Lago???
*The Republican controlled Senate has confirmed Steven Mnuchin as Secretary of the Treasury, Mick Mulvaney as the head of the Office and Management, and Scott Pruitt (a known climate change denier) as head of the Environmental Protection Agency; but Andrew Puzder has withdrawn his name for consideration as Secretary of Labor. Alexander Acosta is now the new nominee for that position.
*You may consider this premature, but Donald Trump is scheduled to kick off his 2020 Presidential Reelection campaign later today, February 18.
*CBS News looks at reality versus alternate facts via Donald Trump.
*Apparently, Betsy DeVos is not off to a good start as the new Secretary of Education.
MEANWHILE…
*Defense Secretary Jim Mattis warned NATO members Wednesday February 15 to increase military spending by year's end or risk seeing the U.S. curtail its defense support.
*Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy has announced his impending retirement as of March 4th.
*While there are no reported results from the Day Without Immigrants event Thursday, where legal immigrants stayed home from work and school to protest President Trump's proposed immigration reform, the White House has remained silent on the matter.
*Republicans who were extremely critical of Hillary Clinton now find the shoe on the other foot.
*Donald Trump does NOT have to make his tax returns public!
ELSEWHERE…
*Former Vice President Joe Biden is now the chairman of the National Constitution Center, a nonpartisan museum focused on educating Americans about the Constitution.
*At the 2017 Grammy Awards, Adele won both Song and Record of the Year for “Hello” with her album 25 named Album of the Year. David Bowie’s Blackstar was posthumously honored for Best Alternative Music Album, Best Engineered Album, and Best Rock Performance.
*Many Grammy and music fans are curious about Beyonce’s “snub” at the awards event.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 18, 2017

FUN FACT
The Infinity Sign is also known as a lemniscate.

With Presidents Day this Monday here in the United States, we present our annual Presidents Day Famous Firsts Quiz, with a couple of NEW questions in the mix. Ready?

Do you know who was the first President of the United States…?
01. To have previously served as Vice President?
02. To serve without a Vice President?
03. To hold the office as an Independent? (And yes, it has been done.)
04. To hold the office as a Democrat?
05. To hold the office as a Republican?
06. To be born in the United States after it became an independent country?
07. To not be born within the continental United States?
08. To be born in a hospital?
09. To physically live in the White House?
10. To work in the Oval Office? (The West Wing, where it resides, was a later addition.)
11. To marry while in office?
12. To remarry while in office?
13. To ever have his photograph taken?
14. To ever use a telephone?
15. To ever speak on radio?
16. To fly in an airplane?
17. To ever appear on television?
18. To ever make a coast to coast TV broadcast?
19. To not deliver the annual State of the Union address on time?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results from the February 11, 2017 Puzzle Corner.

FAMOUS FIRSTS
Who was the first woman to ever be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Aretha Franklin.

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Considering what February 14th is, how many new words can you spell from the letters in VALENTINE?
A, alien, alive, an, ant, at, ate
Eat, eave, even, evil
I, in, inn, inane, it
Lane, late, Latin, lean, leave, lei, lenient, lent, lie, line, lint, live
Neat, nine, nit
Tan, tea, ten, teen, tile, tin, tine
Veil, vein, vent, vial, vile

More than the 43 words listed above might be possible.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

SUNDAY FUNNIES: ♫ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE♫ (Celebrity Quotes)

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!
Tuesday is Valentine's Day, but as much as I love to tell jokes, it's been a while since I've posted any Celebrity Quotes, so I thought I'd combine the two.
When necessary, I respond in italics. Ready?

♫All you need is love.♫—The Beatles.
"All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."—Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts.

"I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds around my neck."—Emma Goldman.
Maybe, but a full food dish for your pet(s) at meal time doesn't hurt either.

"Valentine's Day, or as men like to call it: Extortion Day."—Comedian Jay Leno.
Showing your love any signs of affection isn't extortion, unless February 14th is one of the few times you ever do it.

"Even in the very beginning when she would bump into George Valentine and people would start taking pictures of her, she never thought, 'I'm with George Valentine. I need to get a picture with him.' She's like 'oh that's funny. Everyone's taking pictures!'"—Actress Bérénice Bejo, although in all honesty I have no idea who she's refering to in that quote.

"It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, etc.; just because it has to be able to play forever in syndication."—Actress Hannah Simone.
Well, they may be "seasonal", but thankfully there's already plenty of material available on all those holidays.
Yet love SHOULD be eternal.
Shouldn't it?

And on that note, I sincerely hope you get to spend February 14th and the rest of time with the one you love, and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies.—AtP.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 5-11, 2017

FEBRUARY 12 IS RED HAND DAY, IN HOPES OF STOPPING THE PRACTICE OF CHILD SOLDIERS.
FEBRUARY 14 IS VALENTINES DAY.
ARIZONA CELEBRATES ITS 105TH ANNIVERSARY
OF JOINING THE UNITED STATES FEBRUARY 14TH.
FEBRUARY 15TH IS FLAG DAY IN CANADA.
SIBERIA CELEBRATES ITS STATEHOOD FEBRUARY 15.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD
THIS PAST WEEK…
*Russia has officially DECRIMINALIZED domestic violence against women! This means such crimes are no longer penalized by Russian Law!
*Former Prime Minister Mohamed Abdullahi Mohamed is the new President of Somalia.
*Queen Elizabeth the Second celebrated her 65 Sapphire Anniversary, making her the longest reigning monarch in British history.
*What has made pilot whales beach themselves on New Zealand's South Island? At least 75% of those involved have not survived as rescuers work feverishly to save the rest.
*$89,000 for an anti-muscular dystrophy drug???
*Depending upon visibility in your area, which was more interesting Friday night: the full moon, the comet, or the lunar eclipse?
*Another cave containing more Dead Sea Scrolls has been discovered.
*The tomb of an ancient Chinese General has been discovered.
*Anybody ready for the return of the Playboy Club???


THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*Police in Turkey have arrested over 400 suspected members of the Taliban.
*While bombs are still the terrorist favorite weapon, more fire fights in the Middle East broke out this past week than in previous weeks.
PASSING PARADE…
*Actor Alec McCowen (A Night to Remember, Gangs of New York) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Comedian Irwin Cowey (The Steve Allen Show, Car Wash, Thieves) is no longer with us.
*Actor Richard Hatch (Battlestar: Galactica, The Streets of San Francisco) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Comedy writer Alan Simpson (The Comedy Playhouse, Steptoe and Son) has passed away.
*Author Edward Bryant (contributor to the Wild Cards and Dangerous Visions anthologies) is no longer with us.
*Manga creator Jiro Taniguchi (A Distant Neighbor, Icarus) has passed away.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…
*The debate over immigration suspension continues as the US Court of Appeals refused to overturn the lower Federal Court’s restrictions on the suspension. President Trump has since said that his administration will not challenge the ruling, but that a new and better executive order on the subject will be issued soon.
*But have immigration officials started arresting illegal aliens despite the ban being in place???
*The Senate has confirmed Betty DeVos as the new Secretary of Education, Tom Price as Secretary of Health and Human Services, and Jefferson Sessions the new Federal Attorney General.
*But Trump has fired Janet Yellen, current chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve.
*President Trump has announced that America will continue to honor the “One China” policy, dealing only with the People’s Republic of China and not the Republic of China too.
MEANWHILE…
*Political differences of opinion are one thing, but to actually VOTE on preventing Senator Elizabeth Warren from speaking during the hearing to approve Jefferson Sessions as Attorney General??? And one Senator who thought it was "long overdue"! (There are 2 separate links in that item.)
*New York Congressional Representative Jerrold Nadler has filed a motion of inquiry concerning what exactly is Donald Trump’s relationship (if any) with Russia and President Vladimir Putin, while the Trump Administration still appears to be ignoring the possible hacking of the 2016 Presidential election by Russia. (There are 2 separate links in this item.)
*Florida Republican Congressional Representative Matt Gaetz has proposed a bill to totally
ELIMINATE the Environmental Protection Agency! Started under the Presidency of Richard Nixon, the EPA has been doing its job since 1970.
ELSEWHERE…
*While he isn’t supposed to have any formal involvement with his businesses as President of the United States, Donald Trump isn’t happy that retailers are removing the Ivanka Trump line of merchandise from their stores.
*The US District Court in Washington, DC has ruled that insurance giants Anthem and Cigna can NOT merge.
*DNA test results saves a dog's life!
*Singer Aretha Franklin has announced her impending retirement.
*The New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34-28 to win Super Bowl 51, the first game to ever require overtime to reach a decision. Patriots’ Quarterback Tom Brady was named the game’s Most Valuable Player.
*But what happened to Brady's jersey and the game winning football???

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 11, 2017

FUN FACT
Valentine's Day still surpasses Mother's Day as the most special occasion chocolate sold event.

FAMOUS FIRSTS
Who was the first woman to ever be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Considering what the 14th is, how many new words can you spell from the letters in VALENTINE?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results from the February 4, 2017 Puzzle Corner.

COMMON BONDS
The items in each subset below have something in common. Do you know what it is?
01. {Bullfinch, Winchester} = The word INCH is within each item.
02. {Cartwright, Matlock} = Ben is the first name of each character.

REBUS
For some reason, by popular demand, we have been asked to repost a previous REBUS.
The rules are still the same. Do you know what the picture represents?

(Vladimir) Putin/Putting on the Ritz

Sunday, February 5, 2017

SUNDAY FUNNIES: THE BIG GAME 2017

Why "hike" when you can fly?
Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here!
Once again, it is time for "The Big Game", since I'm not an authorized sponsor, so I can't call it by its proper name.
Anyway, all I know is that the pregame show has been going on since last Monday, and kickoff for this event is scheduled to finally begin shortly.

Now, I've heard footballs sometimes referred to as "pig skins", but I hope that's not true. Some of my best friends like Porky, Petunia, and Peppa are pigs. And I mean that in a good way.

I do agree with the fact that they always try to play the game someplace that neither side calls "home", but I'll tell you one thing. Considering the average size of adult dragons, I've seen much bigger bowls than the one they're playing football in today.

And why do they call the lead guy on each side the "quarter back"? Is that all the change he has left after treating the team to lunch?

At least with the end of football season, sports widows everywhere will discover they still have husbands.

And now, to conclude this special look at "The Big Game", I am proud to present a true comedy classic courtesy of YouTube, as Andy Griffith explains What It Was, Was Football. The illustrations in the video are by George Woodbridge, from the 1958 adaptation of Griffith's routine in Mad magazine!



Regardless of which team wins, hope you have fun watching the game, and please be back next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—wd.