SUNDAY FUNNIES: TAKING IT EASY (misc. jokes)

Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here!

I'm just kicking back and taking it easy on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Wish it was much warmer than it actually is so I could go outside and see what mischief fun I can get into...

Anyway, with no particular topic or theme in mind, think I'll just jump into the big ol' bin of jokes I've collected and see what I come up with. Ready?

Waxy's Joke Bin

If it weren't for Venetian Blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.

Why are all the other states Jealous of Nevada?
Because it's the NV of America.

I always behave, just not necessarily well.

For nearly a year I've invested in stocks. Thanks to chicken, beef, vegetable, and shrimp; I will soon be a Boullionaire.

A father lights up the barbecue and says, "Son, it's time to learn how to grill the hamburger."
The boy turns to the hamburger and says, "Where were you on October 11th? Were you alone?"

One bee to another, "How was the Queen Bee's speech?"
"It was the usual. Just a bunch of Buzz words."

The meaning of OPAQUE is unclear.

I don't care what the appliance manufactures claim. The only thing that is truly self cleaning in any house is the cat! 🐈

A guy was taking his girl to the prom. He waits for a long time in line to get a ticket. He then waits a long time to rent a limo. He waits a long time to get the flowers. During the prom, his girl says she would like some punch. He goes to the refreshment table.
No punch line.

I was not sure what was available to use as a replacement for my kitchen work surfaces, so I went to all the different hardware stores, where I engaged in Counter Surveillance activities.

My math teacher said, "Waxy, your homework looks like chicken scratch, but all the answers are correct."
When I got home, I told my friend, "Hey math chicken.🐔 I think they're onto us."

We are not what happened to us. We are what we choose to become.
Never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. Take Beethoven for example. They told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf. He didn't listen to them.

And on that note ♫, have a great week everybody and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—wd.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: FEBRUARY 3-9, 2019

FEBRUARY IS NATIONAL HEART💗HEALTH MONTH & BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
FEBRUARY 12 IS INTERNATIONAL RED HAND-NO CHILD SOLDIERS DAY!

FEBRUARY 12 MARKS THE 95TH ANNIVERSARY OF

GEORGE GERSHWIN’S RHAPSODY IN BLUE DEBUTING ON BROADWAY.

💘FEBRUARY 14 IS VALENTINE’S DAY. 💕

FEBRUARY 15 MARKS THE 255 BIRTHDAY OF SAINT LOUIS, MISSOURI!

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE W🌏RLD THIS PAST WEEK…

*North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un and American President Donald Trump are scheduled to meet on February 27.
*On his latest diplomatic mission, Pope Francis became the first Pope to visit the Arabian Peninsula.
*No more recreational hunting in Colombia???
*Germania Airlines has filed for bankruptcy.
*The NEW magnetic North!
*They finally got a hit. 25 years later...


THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*The Free Choice E-zine does not support terrorism, no matter what the “cause” or alleged “justification”. Thus we will only be posting news items in this section whenever terrorists are brought to justice.

😢PASSING PARADE…
*Actor Kristoff St. John (The Young and The Restless) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Robert Hubbard, inventor of the Head And Neck Support safety device, has passed away.
*Actress Julie Adams (original Creature From The Black Lagoon, Murder She Wrote) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Major League Baseball Hall of Famer Frank Robinson is no longer with us.
*Actress Carmen Duncan (Harlequin, Another World) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Actress/dancer Nita Bieber (Rhythm and Weep, Summer Stock, The Prince Who Was A Thief) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Actor Albert Finney (Tom Jones, Erin Brockovich) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
THE BORDER-KIDS-IMMIGRATION ISSUES…
*Just WHAT is going on with the separated children???
*Military funding and disaster relief money will NOT be used in any border wall construction.
*If Trump does declare the lack of a border wall a “national emergency”, Congress MUST vote to make it official. But would it pass???
NOTE: While we are doing our best to provide coverage, the above is a serious, ongoing issue. Especially since no one has yet to discuss the costs of separating families and who is truly responsible for the deaths of two minor detainees, let alone if anyone might actually be making a profit from this situation.
POLITICALLY…

*North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un and President Trump are scheduled to meet on February 27.
*President Trump apparently didn’t like how Congress interviewed his acting Attorney General.
*Are Trump’s Twitter typos intentional???
*Then what about this gaffe???
*The investigation into Trump’s inaugural committee continues.
*What will Trump do???
THE 2019 STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS...
*The annual State of the Union Address was presented February 5, with President Trump wanting an end to “resistance politics” and “partisan investigations”, but no details on rebuilding the infrastructure while still worried about the lack of a border wall and migrant caravans without declaring an official national emergency. (There are 5/FIVE separate links in this item.)
*Fact check time. On the economy and other matters. (There are 3/THREE separate links in this item.)
*The Democrats gave their response to the speech afterwards, yet how have things fared since last year’s address??? (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Campaigning during the State of the Union address???
*On Nancy Pelosi’s SOTU “applause”.
THE BUDGET BATTLE…
*The shutdown began at midnight December 22, 2019.
*Congress came back into session with its newly elected members January 3, 2019.
*The country is under a temporary reprieve until February 15 in hopes that a new budget agreement can be reached, but it appears to still come down to Trump’s wish for a border wall.
*Can Congress come up with a budget the President will agree to before the deadline??? It might include some kind of border wall project funds after all. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
MEANWHILE…
*Congress came back into session with its newly elected members January 3, 2019.
*Although the government is temporarily reopened until at least February 15, the on going (since December 22, 2018) Federal Budget Crisis has yet to be fully resolved, as reported in the section above this one.
*Military funding and disaster relief money will NOT be used in any border wall construction.
*If Trump does declare the lack of a border wall a “national emergency”, Congress MUST vote to make it official. But would it pass???
*Even President Trump cannot deny the increase of women in Congress.
ELSEWHERE…
*Sorry Louisiana. You’re going to have to rethink that one.
*Yes Fox News, it’s TRUE!
*The New England Patriots beat the Los Angeles Rams 13-3 in Super Bowl #53.🏈
😃And finally, a little good news: lending a helping hand.

Although our IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen was suspended when Blogger updated its gadgets, we have ADDED a new TRANSLATE feature in the upper right hand corner!

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 9, 2019

😎FUN FACT
At the conclusion of #53, only the Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Houston Texans, and Jacksonville Jaguars have yet to play a Super Bowl.

Everyone loves a good romance story. Especially with Valentine’s Day approaching.
All you have to do in our IS YOU IS OR IS YOU AIN’T MY BABY quiz is match the ladies to their beaus. Ready?

THE LADIES
01. Nicole Austin
02. Cleopatra
03. Pam Dawber
04. Dulcinea del Toboso
05. Kathleen Kelly
06. Roxanne Kowalski
07. Paula McFadden
08. Klara Novak
09. Penelope Pussycat
10. Annie Reed
11. Roxanne (no known surname)
12. Kathy Seldon
13. Susan Storm
14. Joanne Woodward

THEIR BEAUS
01. Marc Anthony
02. Sam Baldwin
03. Charles Bales
04. Cyrano de Bergerac
05. Joe Fox
06. Elliot Garfield
07. Mark Harmon
08. Alfred Kralik
09. Don Lockwood
10. Tracy Marrow
11. Paul Newman
12. Pepe Le Pew
13. Alonso Quijano
14. Reed Richards

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX📦 and discover the results from the February 2, 2019 Puzzle Corner.

NUMBER PLEASE
Get ready! We ask the question, but the answer is just a number.
Everyone knows Sir Isaac Newton formalized the Law of Gravity, but how old was he at the time?
23!

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
With the holiday drawing near, how many new words can you form out of the letters in VALENTINE?
A, alien, alive, an, ant, at, at
Eat, eave, even, evil
I, in, inn, inane, it
Lane, late, Latin, lean, leave, lei, lenient, lent, lie, line, lint, live
Neat, nine, nit
Tan, tea, ten, teen, tile, tin, tine
Veil, vein, vent, vial, vile
More than the 43 listed above might be possible.

SUNDAY FUNNIES: SUP(P)ER BOWL 2019

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!
Once again, the concluding game to another football🏈 season is upon us and once again, I'm just scratching my ears still trying to figure it all out.

Two sides fight over a "pig skin" for about an hour—not counting time outs and endless commercials—while women in skimpy outfits work up the onlooking crowd present in the stadium into an even greater frenzy than they might already be, and they don't even eat the darn thing afterwards!

First off, I've tried football before. They taste terrible!
What makes you folks call it a "pig skin"🐷 to begin with? It certainly doesn't taste like ham or bacon to me.

And that odd shape. It might be good enough to throw or kick, but it certainly don't bounce very well.

The name of the game I don't get either. There's no bowl of any size involved that I've ever seen, except the ones my people pass around full of food while they're watching the TV coverage.
I certainly don't get any of their goodies either!
I'm lucky enough if one of them remembers to feed me dinner during half time. Otherwise, it's always "Oops! Forgot to feed the dog." AFTER the game ends! 😳

I certainly could go on for quite awhile about this.
Shall I with the Quarterback?
Is that all the money the poor guy has? Twenty-five cents?
And why does he always yell "Hike" before putting the football into play?
Is he expecting his team to go on some long march?
And some of those other position names...

Well, it’s clear to me that this puppy certainly doesn’t understand the game of football.🏈
But before I go, let’s enjoy the thoughts of someone else who never quite comprehended the game either as we share our annual presentation of Andy Griffith’s “What It Was, Was Football”, accompanied with the illustrations from the Mad magazine adaptation by George Woodbridge, courtesy of YouTube. (And remember, we didn't create the video or the material within, we're only sharing it with our fans.)

Have a great week everybody. and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—Atp.

GROUNDHOG'S DAY 2019

With the dependability of a certain Bill Murray movie, The Free Choice E-zine is proud to present our annual salute to that furry rodent.

“Is this the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe?” asked the lady as she walked in my front door.
“Yes it is,” I replied. “I’m Howie Cheatum. And you are--?”

A groundhog

“Susan Woo,” she replied, “but you can call me Sue.”
“Okay Sue. And what can I do for you today?”
“I want to engage your services to represent myself as I initiate a law suit.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place. Who do you want to sue?”
“Punxsutawney Phil.”
“You want to sue who?” I asked in disbelief.
“Not myself silly. Punxsutawney Phil.”
“The groundhog?” I asked, trying to confirm what I heard the first time.
“Yes, that filthy animal,” replied Sue.
“Why?”
“Because this year he/it claimed we would have six weeks of relatively mild weather and an early spring. None of that came true. I couldn’t break out my spring wardrobe when I wanted to. I hurt my back shoveling the driveway myself because I dismissed the snow plow service early thinking I wouldn’t need them any more this season. Should I go on?”
“No, I get the idea. And on what grounds would you like to initiate this lawsuit?”
“Don’t you think at a courthouse would be best?” she asked.

“What I meant was, for what reasons did you want to sue?”
“I figured breach of promise at the very least, and whatever else is applicable,” she replied. “The late winter has just totally ruined spring, and who knows just how that is going to affect summer. The trees are barely beginning to bud as it is. Besides, I wouldn’t be surprised if fall arrives on time anyway and cuts whatever is left of spring and summer short this year.”
“I see,” I said, pausing momentarily to wonder why I always got stuck with the live ones. “Let me look up some reference material on the subject,” I said, before turning to use my computer terminal. After a couple of minutes on Wikipedia, I said, “You do realize that this is all just traditional superstition dating back to at least the 1800s in America and at least the fifth century in Europe.”
“So, that means that Punxsutawney Phil should have been a lot more accurate in his prediction than he actually was, right?”
“Well, that’s one way of looking at it,” I agreed while reading the data some more. “While he only has a 39% accuracy rating, it says here that Punxsutawney Phil isn’t the only one who is used to predict the weather.”
“Oh?”
“There’s Jimmy the Groundhog in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin; Holtsville Hall and Dunkirk Dave, wherever they reside, all said that there would be six more weeks of winter. Phil and a bunch of others on this list all predicted an early spring,” I said, showing her what it said on my computer monitor.
“Good. Let’s start a class action suit and go after all of them!”

Or am I?

“It just doesn’t quite work that way. The animals themselves never specifically said what the weather would be. Humans just interpreted the situational conditions as best they could.”
“Well let’s sue them,” said Sue.
“That doesn’t work either. None of them were trained professionals paid to do that job. It would be like me trying to predict the weather just by looking out the window.”
“Then are you suggesting that I should sue the weathermen?”
“Actually, you don’t have a case against anybody involved with Groundhog’s Day predictions. That’s all they were, just predictions. None were legally binding.”
“Then can I sue you?”
“For what?” I asked in disbelief.
“For not taking my case.”
While it would not actually get far in the court system, in this day and age, I’d be surprised if she didn’t find somebody willing to take the case.

AND BY THE WAY...

The Groundhog DID NOT see his shadow today, so make of that what you will. 😕

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: JANUARY 27-FEBRUARY 2, 2019

FEBRUARY IS NATIONAL HEART💓HEALTH MONTH & BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

FEBRUARY 2 IS GROUND HOG’S DAY.
FEBRUARY 4 IS INDEPENDENCE DAY IN SRI LANKA.
FEBRUARY 5 IS THE CHINESE NEW YEAR (of the pig) 🐷

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE FRUIT RECALL???

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE W🌍RLD THIS PAST WEEK…
*American President Donald Trump has decided to pull the US out of a missile treaty with Russia. Russian President Vladmir Putin has since done the same and said his country will start developing new missiles! (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Another vote on how to proceed with Brexit is scheduled for February 13.
*The Associated Press and Snopes are no longer helping Facebook???

THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*The Free Choice E-zine does not support terrorism, no matter what the “cause” or alleged “justification”. Thus we will only be posting news items in this section whenever terrorists are brought to justice.

😢PASSING PARADE…
*Actress Erica Yohn (An American Tail, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, ER) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Singer/songwriter James Ingram(“Baby Come To Me”, “Somewhere Out There”, “100 Ways”) has passed away.
*Actress Martha Ross (East Enders) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Character actor Dick Miller (credits too numerous to mention) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Famed country music guitarist Harold Bradley (credits too numerous to mention) is no longer with us.
*Actor Clive Swift (Keeping Up Appearances) has taken his last bow on life's stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…

*Are you aware of the current national emergencies???
*Trump is pulling the US out of a missile treaty with Russia! Russian President Vladmir Putin has since done the same and said his country will start developing new missiles! (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Plutonium in Nevada???
*Roger Stone was arrested on obstruction charges. What might happen when he goes to trial, but is Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russia’s possible involvement in the 2016 Presidential election nearing the end or not??? (There are 3/THREE separate links in this item.)
*Is suspending a whistle blower legal???
*President Trump STILL doubts the existence of Climate Change???
*Donald Trump’s latest opinions on current events.
*Is the lack of a border wall truly a national emergency???
*On Donald Trump on his intelligence advisers and religion. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
THE BUDGET BATTLE…
*The shutdown began at midnight December 22, 2019.
*Congress came back into session with its newly elected members January 3, 2019.
*The country is under a temporary reprieve until February 15 in hopes that a new budget agreement can be reached, but it appears to still come down to Trump’s wish for a border wall.
*Will the Republican Party suffer because of the shutdown??? Some government employees certainly are! (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*The effects of the shutdown on the ECOLOGY!
*Can a new budget be created before the February 15 deadline to avoid another shutdown???
MEANWHILE…

*Congress came back into session with its newly elected members January 3, 2019.
*Although the government is temporarily reopened until at least February 15, the on going (since December 22, 2018) Federal Budget Crisis has yet to be fully resolved, as reported in the section above this one.
*The originally postponed State of the Union address is now scheduled for February 5.
*Does Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have any connections to Russia???
*Will Election Day EVER be a Federal holiday???
ELSEWHERE…
*Will Virginia's Governor Ralph Northam resign???
*Can you deport teachers???
*How bad has YOUR winter been???
*So, how did Christmas 2018 turn out for the retail industry???
*And finally, a little good news.

THE FREE CHOICE E-ZINE WOULD LIKE TO THANK ITS LOYAL READERSHIP FOR GRANTING US 2,946 PAGE VIEWS IN JANUARY 2019. 😁

Although our IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen was suspended when Blogger updated its gadgets, we have ADDED a new TRANSLATE feature in the upper right hand corner!

THE PUZZLE CORNER: FEBRUARY 2, 2019

😎FUN FACT
With apologies to Chuck Jones, real life coyotes are faster than road runners.

NUMBER PLEASE
Get ready! We ask the question, but the answer is just a number.
Everyone knows Sir Isaac Newton formalized the Law of Gravity, but how old was he at the time?

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
With the holiday drawing near, how many new words can you form out of the letters in VALENTINE?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX📦 and discover the results from the January 26, 2019 Puzzle Corner.

TRIVIA TIME⌚
What are you guilty of if caught performing Rhinotillexis?
That is the formal term for nose picking.

COMMON BONDS
The items in each subset below have something in common. Do you know what it is?
01. {Gannon, Romero, Smith, Jacobs, Lockwood} and yes, we know they are all surnames.
These are all of Jack Webb/Sgt. Joe Friday’s partners throughout the course of Dragnet.
02. {Caitlin, Anthony, Timothy, Eleanor, Nicholas, Ziva} and yes, we know they are all first names.
These have been/are partners of Mark Harmon/Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs on NCIS.