Sunday, November 27, 2016

SUNDAY FUNNIES: TROUBLESOME JOKES

Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here!

The problem with trouble is that it always start out as fun.
One moment you're minding your own business, and the next the cookie jar is suddenly empty.
I don't know where the cookies went.
Just because there's a trail of cookie crumbs leading from the jar to my room, and that I was the only one home at the time.
Maybe the cookie fairy took them.
In any event, I'm stuck in my room for being a "bad" dragon, but that doesn't mean I still can't tell good jokes.
Especially jokes about other people getting into trouble!

Ralph forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was very agitated.
"Tomorrow, I expect to find a gift in the garage that goes from zero to two hundred in five seconds. And it better be there or else," swore his wife.
The next morning Ralph woke early to do his thing.
When his wife got up, Ralph blindfolded his wife and lead her into the garage.
He positioned her and took off her blindfold. Right there at her feet was a brand new bathroom scale. Ralph is expected out of the hospital in three months.

Two women were told they shouldn't gossip so much.
"We don't call it gossiping," said one woman defensively. "We're sharing opinions about other people's life choices."
Twin brothers were hoping to enlist in the Air Force.
The officer says to the first twin, "Do you have any skills of a military nature?
"I'm a pilot."
"Welcome to the Air Force." Then he turned to the other one and asked "What do you do?"
"I chop wood."
"I'm sorry we really don't need any wood choppers."
"But you enlisted my brother."
"Yeah, he's a pilot," said the Air Force recruiter.
The twin shook his head in disbelief. "Maybe so, but I have to chop the wood before he can pile it."

A 4 year-old girl told her mother, "I was a good girl at preschool."
The mother replied, "You should be a good girl at home too."
To which the kid said, "I can't do it all day."

Okay, now I'm being told that we're out of milk and it's all my fault.
Hey. What do you drink when you eat cookies?
I mean, when the cookie fairy comes and eat cookies and...
Oh, forget it!
Anyway, take care. Have a great week, and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—wd.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: NOVEMBER 20-26, 2016

TODAY IS CONSTITUTION DAY IN INDIA AND
SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY WITHIN THE UNITED STATES.
DECEMBER 1 IS WORLD AIDS AWARENESS DAY.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK…
*The United Nations has become concerned about human rights in the Philippines after President Rodrigo Duterte suggested establishing a law allowing the imprisonment of children as young as 9 on certain charges.
*The use of illegal Chlorine Gas is still suspected in the Syrian Civil War.
*Fighting continued despite a 48 hour ceasefire in the Yemen Civil War.
*With the season officially lasting until the end of November, Hurricane Otto threatened the Panama region this week.
*While still President, Barack Obama is continuing to do his duty, meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin during the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation Conference to discuss their country’s respective involvement in the Syrian Civil War.
*TransAsia Airways is dissolving its business.
*A subterranean deposit of ice has been discovered on Mars by astronomers.
*Have the remains of The Black Duck been found?
*Just what did happen to the crew of the USS Turner?
*Has an ancient city been discovered in Egypt?

THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*Bombs are still the primary weapon of choice against civilian and military targets.
PASSING PARADE…
*Actress Florence Henderson (The Brady Bunch, Fanny) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Author William Trevor (A Standard of Behavior, Love and Summer) is no longer with us.
*Child Actor Jerry Tucker (Our Gang comedies) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Visual effects technician Ron Thornton (Babylon 5, Star Trek Voyager, Spaceballs) has passed away.
*Actor Ron Glass (Barney Miller, Firefly/Serenity) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Former President of Cuba Fidel Castro is no longer with us.
*Actor Peter Sumner (Ned Kelly, Star Wars: A New Hope) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Former Major League Baseball player Ralph Branca (Brooklyn Dodgers, Detroit Tigers) is no longer with us.
*Jazz musician Shirley Bunnie Foy has passed away.
*Former Major League Baseball player Dave Ferriss (Boston Red Sox) is no longer with us.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…
*President-elect Donald Trump has vowed America will pull out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership as soon as his administration begins.
*Amongst the potential members of Trump's forthcoming cabinet, pending Congressional approval: South Carolina governor Nikki Haley as United States Ambassador to the United Nations, former chairwoman of the Michigan Republican State Party Betsy DeVos as United States Secretary of Education, KT McFarland as Deputy National Security Advisor and Donald McGahn as White House Counsel. (There are 2 separate links in that item.)
*When he takes office, just where does Donald Trump's administration stand on human/personal rights, let alone health insurance and insurers? (There are 2 different links in this item.)
MEANWHILE…
*While still President, Barack Obama is continuing to do his duty, meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin during the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation Conference to discuss their country’s respective involvement in the Syrian Civil War.
*As they officially recount the votes, for what it's worth: Hillary Clinton's lead over Donald Trump has increased by over 2 million ballots in the popular vote, although it was the electoral college that declared Trump the winner.
*How will Donald Trump treat government employees?
*The next Secretary of State: Mitt Romney or Rudolph Giuliani?
ELSEWHERE…
*Just what did happen to the crew of the USS Turner?
*Jimmie Johnson won the 2016 NASCAR Sprint Cup.
*Las Vegas has announced that their forthcoming professional hockey team will be known as the Vegas Golden Knights.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.

PUZZLE CORNER: NOVEMBER 26, 2016

FUN FACT
Only the United States (in November) and Canada (in October) celebrate the concept of Thanksgiving.


BEFORE AND AFTER
Two separate things have at least one word in common and can be combined to form something new.
Based upon the clue below, do you know what the new thing is?

Mister Toad goes to Tara.


TRIVIA TIME

Actress Florence Henderson will probably be remembered best as Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch, but who was actually first offered the role?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX and discover the results from the November 19, 2016 Puzzle Corner.


TRIVIA TIME
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

THE LETTER SHUFFLE

How many new words can you spell out of the letters in the word THANKSGIVING?
A, aging, ah, akin, an, angst, as, at
Gag(s), gain(s), giant(s), gas, gat(s) <old 1930's slang for guns>, gig(s), gin(s), gist, git(s) <Hillbilly slang for scram/get>, giving
Hag(s), haggis <a Scottish delicacy>, hang(s), has, hat(s), having, hi <short form of "hello">, hiking, hint(s), hit(s)
I, ink(s), in(s), inn(s), is, it, its
Kin, king(s), kit(s), knight(s), knit(s)
Nag(s), nigh, night(s)
Sag, saint, sank, sat, saving, shag <a type of carpeting>, sight, sighting, sign, signing, sink, sinking, sin, shin, shining, sit, skin, skit, snag, snit, stag, staging, stain, staining, stank, sting, stinging, stink, stinking
Tag(s), tan(s), tank(s), than, thank(s), thin(s), thing(s), think(s), this, tin
Vain, vat(s), visit, Viking(s), (AND) vista.
Other words besides the 117 above might be possible.
But IV (the medical term) didn’t count because it’s an abbreviation. The Roman numerals II and IV are debatable, but the cuss word for human waste was not listed since this is a family oriented E-zine.

Friday, November 25, 2016

BLACK FRIDAY 2016

The following is an editorial.

Once again, the retail industry set the pace, opening stores as early as 6 PM on Thanksgiving night, provided they even bothered to close at all, and consumers flocked to the "sales" like lemmings hoping for an actual bargain.

Remember the day when the only services available on Thanksgiving were the police, fire department, and emergency medical assistance???

Oh well..

Anyone in the retail industry who had to work Thanksgiving Day/night has my sympathy.
As for me, my position of years past still stands.
I will shop and support local businesses on "Small Business Saturday", and let my fingers do the walking on more major purchases via the Internet on "Cyber Monday" next week, but as for "Black Friday"...

SOME DARE BRAVE THE GLOOM OF BLACKEST NIGHT,
QUESTING FOR BARGAINS UPON THEIR TREK,
HITTING EVERY SALE BEFORE DAYLIGHT.

ME? I PLANNED WELL AHEAD.
NO NERVES, CREDIT, OR CAR SUFFERED WRECK.
JUST RESTFUL SLUMBER WITHIN MY OWN BED.

("An Ode to Black Friday" poem reprinted upon reader request)


The above was an editorial.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2016

The following is an editorial.

Here in the United States of America it's Thanksgiving Day.
Despite a lot of concerns for the future come January 2017, there is still a lot to be thankful for.
Life.
Love.
Family.
Friends.
And, of course, the ability to laugh.



HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!


WKRP in Cincinnati's classic "Turkeys Away!" episode (c) MTM Enterprises.
The Free Choice E-zine did NOT create or post this clip on You Tube, but we are extremely happy such classic moments are still available for everyone to share and laugh at.

The above was an editorial.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

SUNDAY FUNNIES: DIGGING JOKES (misc. jokes)

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!
So ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.
Or in other words, I keep digging up the backyard trying to find the bone I buried the week before and haven't located it yet.
But right now, let's see what else I can dig up...

Wanna hear a construction joke?
Sorry but I am still working on it.

Do you need to study for blood tests and eye exams?

A royal flush!
I heard one of my humans brag to another that instead of calling it The John, they were renaming their bathroom The Jim so they could honestly say that they went to The Jim every morning before work.
First off, I don't think it's fair that they have indoor plumbing available to them 24/7 and I've got to go outside to do my business whenever I need to, no matter how pleasant or ugly the weather is outside.
Secondly, you shouldn't lie. No matter how much you might say you're going to "The Jim", the fact you don't lose any weight or look more muscular will catch up with you eventually.
Besides, who's this John guy anyway?

One woman was bragging to her next-door-neighbor about her son, a college student.
"Why, our son is so brilliant, when we get a letter from him, we have to go to the dictionary to look up some of the words he uses."
"You're lucky," said the other woman. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank."

And on that note, have a great week everybody and please be back here again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: NOVEMBER 13-19, 2016

NOVEMBER 19TH IS LIBERATION DAY IN MALI.
NOVEMBER 21 IS WORLD HELLO DAY.
NOVEMBER 24TH IS THANKSGIVING IN PARTS OF NORTH AMERICA.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD THIS PAST WEEK…
*The European Union met to discuss future foreign relations under the impending United States Presidency of Donald Trump. While the United Kingdom and France did not send representatives to the conference, no word on any decisions was announced.
*While the matter is still being debated, there is currently no official plan to initiate the United Kingdom’s departure from the European Union.
*Although still concerned about the disease, the World Health Organization has suspended its global health crisis status on the Zika Virus, after confirmation that the disease is only mosquito borne.
*A 3000 year old mummy in near perfect condition has been discovered in Luxor, Egypt.
*How can the second born child of twins be the oldest?
*Scientist Stephen Hawking thinks humans only have about a 1000 years of viable life left on Earth, unless we find another planet to live on.
*Where did the remains of 3 ships from World War 2 disappear to?


THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*Bombs are still their main weapon of choice against innocents, with several incidents reported over the past week.


PASSING PARADE…
*Musician Leon Russell of The Wrecking Crew is no longer with us.
*Actress Janet Wright (The Perfect Storm, McCabe and Mrs. Miller) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Country singer/songwriter Holly Dunn (“Daddy’s Hands”) has passed away.
*Songwriter/producer Mentor Williams (“Drift Away”) is no longer with us.
*Melvin Laird, Secretary of Defense under President Richard Nixon, has passed away.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
POLITICALLY…
*Vice President-elect Mike Pence has replaced New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as head of the Donald Trump transition team.
*Rumors of President-elect Trump seeking top secret security clearance for his children have been proven false.
*Former Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson has reportedly turned down an offer to be a member of Trump’s Cabinet.
*Pending Congressional approval, President-elect Trump has nominated Senator Jeff Sessions for Attorney General (a man who once said the NAACP was "un-American"), Mike Pompeo for Director of the CIA, Michael T. Flynn for National Security Adviser, and Steve Bannon as White House Chief Strategist. (There are 2 links in that item.)
*Why did ex-wife Ivanka attend Donald Trump's meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan?
*Would the Trump Administration try to use the "Congressional Review Act" to undo everything President Obama tried to accomplish during his administration???
MEANWHILE…
*The properties that comprise “Trump Place” are changing their names.
*Although many world leaders have a lot of questions concerning what might happen after he steps down in January, President-elect Trump and the Republican party prefer that current President Barack Obama NOT answer them.
*The Federal Bureau of Investigation reports that there has been an increase in hate crimes within the United States since Donald Trump became President-elect.
*As part of his preparations for assuming office, Trump has settled out of court the lawsuits against his Trump University.
*Congress has only passed a temporary Federal budget until March 2017, waiting for President-elect Trump to make the first official one, despite President Barack Obama still being in office until January.

For more news at any time, either scroll down to our ELSEWHERE feature at the bottom of your screen or visit any other reputable news source.