SUNDAY FUNNIES: JOKE TIME! (misc. jokes)

Hello Everybody! Autumn the Puppy here!
So, what do YOU do when it's been raining like crazy all day and you can't go outside?
Okay, I do get to go out long enough to take care of some personal business, but then I come right back in again because it isn't nice outside right now.
You know what I mean. Unless you absolutely have to go out, you stay in, but what do you do inside?
My people are currently munching on snacks while they try to clear programs off their DVR.
Me? IT'S JOKE TIME!⏰

Say what you want about Captain Hook.

I know he's the villain in Peter Pan but you must admit, he ran his entire pirating operation single handedly.

I wish someone would invent Quiet Tennis.
It'd be like the regular game, except without the racquet.🎾
Hey, if the players aren't going to let me chase the ball, why should they get to have all the fun?

Hang in there!

After a good night's sleep, a couple walk into their kitchen and find a mess.
Wife: "What’s with all this stir fry on the counter?”
Husband: “Oh my. I must have been sleep wokking again."

The trouble with living alone is that it is always your turn to do dishes.🍽

Did you hear about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

If you're like me, does elevator music bother you on so many levels?

And on that note♫, have a great week everybody and please be back again next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—AtP.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: MAY 12-18, 2019

MAY IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH.

MAY 23 IS RED NOSE DAY, RAISING MONEY FOR CHILDREN’S CHARITIES.

MAY 18 IS FLAG & UNIVERSITIES DAY IN HAITI.

MAY 18 IS ARMED FORCES DAY.

MAY 19 MARKS THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY OF

STAR WARS, EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE.

MAY 20 IS VICTORIA DAY.

MAY 23 MARKS THE 35TH ANNIVERSARY OF

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.

MAY 24 MARKS THE 175TH ANNIVERSARY OF

SAMUEL MORSE OPENING THE FIRST TELEGRAPH LINE.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL⚾ CELEBRATES ITS 150TH SEASON THIS YEAR.

ARE YOU AWARE OF

THE E. COLI GROUND BEEF OUTBREAK???

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE W🌍RLD THIS PAST WEEK…

*IS YOUR COMPUTER SAFE???
*British Prime Minister Theresa May’s forthcoming resignation plans are dependent upon the Brexit vote in June.
*Taiwan will soon support same gender marriages.
*Guess who is the "new" Prime Minister of Australia???
*Are the Torres Strait Islands of Australia in trouble???
*The Hershey Chocolate Bar soon won’t be the same.


THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*The Free Choice E-zine does not support terrorism, no matter what the “cause” or alleged “justification”. Thus we will only be posting news items in this section whenever terrorists are brought to justice.

😢PASSING PARADE…
*The innocent victims of the intentional church burning in Dablo, Burkina Faso May 12.
*Actress Peggy Lipton (The Mod Squad, Twin Peaks) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*The entertaining Doris Day (credits too numerous to mention) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Comedian Tim Conway (McHale’s Navy, The Carol Burnett Show) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Actor Isaac Kappy (Thor 1, Terminator: Salvation) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.
*Chuck Barksdale of The Dells is no longer with us.
*The famous architect I. M. Pei has passed away.
*Author Herman Wouk (The Winds of War, War and Rememberance, The Caine Mutiny) is no longer with us.
*Tardar Sauce, "The Grumpy Cat", has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
THE BORDER WALL-KIDS-IMMIGRATION ISSUES…
*President Trump declared the lack of a border wall a “national emergency”. There have since been legal and legislative battles initiated over this.
*Is Trump’s proposed new immigration plan viable??? (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
NOTE: While we are doing our best to provide coverage, the above is a serious, ongoing issue. Especially since no one has yet to discuss the costs of separating families and who is truly responsible for the deaths of FOUR detainees (to date), let alone if anyone might actually be making a profit from this situation.

TARIFF TALK…
*Unfortunately, not all the aid is going to American farmers!
*The GOP’s current position on the Trump Tariffs.
*Donald Trump versus Toyota???
*One possible scenario for the Trade War’s outcome.
*At least steel and aluminum from our neighbors will no longer face tariffs.
POLITICALLY…
*Will Democratic hopeful Joe Biden be investigated???
*Can’t we all just get along???
*Attorney General William Barr wants to know what/who started the Russian investigation(s) to begin with.
*Donald Trump doesn’t believe in equal pay???

*Another lie.
*Has Trump violated the Constitution???
*Donald Trump, Junior will talk. Sort of.
*Sorry California. NO bullet train!
*Somebody hacked Donald Trump's golf records???
THE MUELLER REPORT…
*Mueller II???
MEANWHILE…
*The House of Representatives passed the Equality Act. But when will it become law? (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Yet another contender for the 2020 Democratic Presidential nomination!
ELSEWHERE…

*Was the girl right or wrong???
*Is it about saving a business or supporting a bigoted viewpoint???
*When will the NRA do something???
*Hope you are not in need of an abortion in Alabama! But enforcing the new law might be problematic. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*What has the Supreme Court been up to lately???
*Bayer owes a $2 BILLION dollar judgment at the end of the latest Round Up weed killer case.
*Exactly how much would YOU pay for a pin???
*The saga of Stan Lee continues, but not in a good way.
*It wasn’t his fault, but they fined him anyway???
*Was she fired for doing the right thing, or was another reason involved???
😀AND FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS…
*The Fernandina Giant Tortoise is STILL ALIVE!🐢

Although our IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen was suspended when Blogger updated its gadgets, we have ADDED a new TRANSLATE feature in the upper right hand corner!

THE PUZZLE CORNER: MAY 18, 2019

😎FUN FACT
Samuel Morse established the first telegraph line on May 24, 1844.

FAMOUS FIRSTS🥇
What was the first message Samuel Morse sent over that telegraph line to show it was operational?

TRIVIA TIME⌚
The game of Parcheesi originated in what country?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX📦 and discover the results from the May 11, 2019 Puzzle Corner.

COMMON BONDS
The items in each subset below have something in common. Do you know what it is?
01. {Jack Berry, Snoop Dogg} = Both have hosted The Joker’s Wild.
02. {Hugh Downs, Alex Trebek} = Both have hosted the rebus based game show Concentration.
03. {Subsets 1 and 2} = Both involved game shows.

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
How many new words can you spell out of the letters in MOTHER?
Em (printing measure), emo
He, hem, her, hero, home, hot
Me, more, moth
Or, ore, other
Rot, rote (a way of learning)
The, them, tom (some male animals), tome, tor (mountain top), tore
Other words besides the 22 listed above might be possible.

SUNDAY FUNNIES: MOTHERS DAY 2019

I woof you mom!

Eggcited over you mom!

Hello Everybody!
Today you have both Waxy Dragon AND Autumn the Puppy here as we honor Mothers everywhere on Mothers Day!

That's right Waxy. Let's face it, being a mother is a tough job, but somebody has to do it. Yet there's no rule that says it has to be a thankless task, so let's show Mothers everywhere some love as we have some fun. Ready?

Imagine it at the very beginning...
The expecting parents go to the hospital and the doctor walks into their room.
The doctor says, “Hello, I will be the doctor who-"
The father says, "Doctor Who? You've regenerated again! Where's the TARDIS?"
"I'm the doctor who will be delivering your baby,” the doctor says, getting to finish his statement.
The father replies, "We would rather our baby keeps her liver.”
Unfazed, the doctor says, “Hi, I’m Juan, your wife's OB GYN. I will be delivering your baby.”
The father smiles and says, “O.B. Juan, you are our only hope.”
His wife moans and says "Please leave the father’s name off the birth certificate.”

Just how much was E.T.'s bill when he phoned home to talk to his mother?

A woman was renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration office when the counter clerk asked her to state her occupation
"I'm a mother," she said, proudly.
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation. 'Housewife' covers it," said the clerk emphatically. 
Well, obviously the lady didn't like that, so the next time anyone asked what her occupation was, the woman replied, "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

Baby snake: "Mommy, are we poisonous?"
Mother snake: "Yes, son. Why?"
Baby snake: "Because I just bit my tongue!"

One early morning, a lady went into his room to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

So remember folks.
Mothers never retire. No matter how old her children are, she is always a Mom.
Always willing to encourage and help her children in any way she can!

Take care. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, have a great week and please join us next weekend for more Sunday Funnies!—WD and AtP.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW: MAY 5-11, 2019

MAY IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH.

MAY 23 IS RED NOSE DAY, RAISING MONEY FOR CHILDREN’S CHARITIES.

MAY 12 IS MOTHERS DAY.

MAY 18 IS ARMED FORCES DAY.

AMONGST EVENTS AROUND THE W🌏RLD THIS PAST WEEK…

*IT’S A BOY!(There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*The China-US Trade Conflict has escalated, and apparently American President Donald Trump didn’t help matters any in the Global Market. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Trump did raise tariffs again after failing to reach a new trade agreement.
*2019 marks the 20th anniversary (story wise) of the Super Dimensional Space Fortress crashing to Earth that was the catalyst for events in the Macross saga as part of the overall Robotech anime.

THE TERRORIST REPORT…
*The Free Choice E-zine does not support terrorism, no matter what the “cause” or alleged “justification”. Thus we will only be posting news items in this section whenever terrorists are brought to justice.

😢PASSING PARADE…
*The innocent victim in the senseless Colorado school shooting May 7.
*Actress Barbara Perry (credits too numerous to mention) has taken her last bow on life’s stage.
*Jim Fowler of Wild Kingdom is no longer with us.
*Actor Pua Magasvia (Power Rangers Ninja Storm and Dino Thunder, Shortland Street) has taken his last bow on life’s stage.

WITHIN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
THE BORDER WALL-KIDS-IMMIGRATION ISSUES…
*President Trump declared the lack of a border wall a “national emergency”. There have since been legal and legislative battles initiated over this.
*WHERE are all the "detainees" going???
NOTE: While we are doing our best to provide coverage, the above is a serious, ongoing issue. Especially since no one has yet to discuss the costs of separating families and who is truly responsible for the deaths of FOUR detainees (to date), let alone if anyone might actually be making a profit from this situation.
TARIFF TALK…
*The China-US Trade Conflict has escalated, and apparently President Trump didn’t help matters any in the Global Market. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Trump did raise tariffs again after failing to reach a new trade agreement.
POLITICALLY…

*Will the President EVER help Puerto Rico??? And it’s FACT CHECK TIME! (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Over 10,000 lies since taking office, and counting! (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*Can Trump truly take credit for the economy???
*Why is the White House changing the rules for journalists???
*With all the cases pending against Donald Trump, how many will the Supreme Court actually hear???
*Trump wants a longer term??? And one person’s fear if he loses re-election. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
*The Trump Administration is changing offshore drilling regulations, but not for the better.
*General Motors certainly didn’t like Trump sharing the “great news”.
*Donald Trump, Junior has been subpoenaed, again.
*Trump has given Tiger Woods🏌 a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
*The White House welcomed the 2018 World Series⚾ winning Boston Red SOCKS Thursday. But the absentees were in regards to Trump's actions towards Puerto Rico. (There are 4/FOUR separate links in this item.)
THE MUELLER REPORT…
*Obviously Trump doesn’t want anyone reading it.
*Robert Mueller was tentatively scheduled to appear before Congress May 15, but Trump didn’t want him to. But now Mueller may not appear after all. (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
MEANWHILE…

*Sorry Congress. NO Trump tax returns! You can still try, but he will interfere with your business in the meantime. (There are 3/THREE separate links in this item.)
*Equal pay isn’t the “white” thing to do???
*Congress has found Attorney General William Barr in contempt.
*The House of Representatives will NOT let President Trump change the Affordable Care Act (aka Obama Care).
ELSEWHERE…

*What does the NRA have against mothers???
*There’s a heartbeat? NO abortion!
*Fox News exposes its own faults???
*Will logging be allowed in the Tongass National Forest???
*Why did the New Orleans Times-Picayune fire EVERYBODY???
*Maine has joined those who do not believe in "conversion therapy".
*Major League Baseball does NOT support racial bigotry and hatred!
*“Country House” was officially declared the winner of the 🏇2019 Kentucky Derby after “Maximum Security” was disqualified. But why is Donald Trump upset over this??? (There are 2/TWO separate links in this item.)
😀AND FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS…
*When it does happen, isn’t love💑 at first sight wonderful???

Although our IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen was suspended when Blogger updated its gadgets, we have ADDED a new TRANSLATE feature in the upper right hand corner!

THE PUZZLE CORNER: MAY 11, 2019

😎FUN FACT
William Shakespeare is accredited with creating the name Jessica.

COMMON BONDS
The items in each subset below have something in common. Do you know what it is?
01. {Jack Berry, Snoop Dogg}
02. {Hugh Downs, Alex Trebek}
03. {Subsets 1 and 2}

THE LETTER SHUFFLE
How many new words can you spell out of the letters in MOTHER?

We’ll reveal all next weekend, but for now, let’s open up THE ANSWERS BOX📦 and discover the results from the May 4, 2019 Puzzle Corner.

TRIVIA TIME⌚
May 10 marks the 150th anniversary of the Golden Spike completing the Transcontinental Railroad. But where was that spike actually put into the track?
Promontory Summit, Utah

FAMOUS FIRSTS🥇
Princeton University was founded in 1746. Who was their first graduate?
Future US President James Madison.

SUNDAY FUNNIES: PUNNING AROUND

Just winging it! 

Hello Everybody! Waxy Dragon here!
Some people think my puns are juvenile. I prefer to think of them as full groan.
So if you haven't guessed what I'm doing here today...

What is it called when a cat🐱 meows for food when their food bowl is half full?
Fake mews.

I want to be buried with all my records. It will be my Vinyl resting place.

A comedian entered a room and 10 people keeled over with laughter at hearing a pun.
The headline that night on the news was PUN IN, TEN DEAD.

A man was arrested for annoying his neighbors by endlessly singing Engelbert Humperdinck songs. As he was hauled off to jail, the man crooned ♫Police release me, let me go.♫

A trusted plumber is someone who is always at your disposal.

That is SO funny!

Let that sink in for a moment.

Have you heard about the new Vegetarian movement?
Their slogan is ♫All we are saying, is give peas a chance.♫

Did you know that plateaus are the highest form of flattery?

I went to the bakery and asked for some short bread.
They told me they don’t make them any longer.

Okay folks! Have a great week, and please be back here next time as Autumn the Puppy and I join forces to salute MOTHERS DAY on the next Sunday Funnies!—wd.