SUNDAY FUNNIES: REMEMBERING JOAN RIVERS (1933-2014)

Autumn the Puppy's Sunday Funnies post originally scheduled for today will be presented next weekend, as The Free Choice E-zine pauses to remember comedienne Joan Rivers.

I hate housework. You make the beds and do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

The first time I ever see a jogger smiling, then I'll consider taking it up.

There are new fad diets coming out all the time. On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

The fun of working on the road means you can steal things from hotels. I've been working in show business for so long, I have a set of towels from Noah's Ark.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late, and you can shop from the convenience of your own bed thanks to television.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

You know it's time to start using mouth wash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak dinner.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in 5 different accents.

The Free Choice E-zine does not know whether or not Joan Rivers got her wish about Meryl Streep, but there was a red carpet at her funeral Saturday, September 6, 2014 that she was subsequently buried with.

All material (c) Joan Rivers and/or her estate. Rest in peace ma'am.

THE SUNDAY FUNNIES: REMEMBERING ROBIN WILLIAMS (1951-2014)

Waxy Dragon's post originally scheduled for today will appear next weekend, as The Sunday Funnies pauses to remember a man we tragically lost last week. While a mere transcript cannot do his comic genius justice, ladies and gentlemen: Mister Robin Williams!

FROM THE 1986 CD A NIGHT AT THE MET...

Isn't it strange to think that in Georgia, if you commit sodomy they're going to put you in a cell with another man who's going to sodomize you.

That's Southern logic.

It says in the Constitution you have the right to bare arms or the right to arm bears, not the right to bare artillery. The National Rifle Association says you have the right to armor piercing bullets if you're a hunter.

WHY? How many deer wear a bulletproof vest?

(After a routine about a man's "extra" part)

That's why there should be a woman President. There would never be any wars. Never ever. You know this. It's the truth. There would never be any war, just severe negotiations every 28 days.

They call him Colonel Khadafi. That name sounds like he should have a chain of terrorist chicken stores. "Come on down to Colonel Khadafi's Bomb in a Bucket!"

The whole Middle East is like an old Marx Brothers' routine.

Khadafi?

God Bless You.

Hassad?

No body.

Hussein?

No body. You're out of here!

FROM THE 2002 CD LIVE...

These are troubled times my friend.

Hard core security in New York? Yes.

Washington? Yes.

San Francisco? Not so hard core.

You can see a Hummer with two National Guardsmen at each end of the Golden Gate Bridge.

The problem is, the Hummers and the National Guardsmen are in jungle camouflage.

The bridge... is bright orange.

So you feel like going (in an Elmer Fudd voice) "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm looking for tewwowists."

And golf is such an exciting sport. Pure athleticism.

Whack the ball, get in the cart.

Whack the ball, get in the cart.

And the commentary is electrifying.

(In a monotone voice:) "We're on the third hole now. Could the crowd be quieter please. I'd like to hear the grass grow."

Just once, I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.

(In a Hispanic accent:) "The ball is rolling. The ball is going to the hole. (pause, then an elongated shout of) H-H-H-H-O-O-O-O-L-L-L-L-E-E-E-E!"

AND FROM HIS 1979 DEBUT RECORD, REALITY, WHAT A CONCEPT...

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Just enough so you don't become stupid. Just a little touch of madness will keep you alive, because no one in the world knows how to tax that. People are kind of like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in the garden.

All material (c) Robin Williams and/or his estate. Rest in Peace, sir.