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| Does Bill Murray owe me money? |
But let's have some fun with the gag anyway as we present our annual Groundhog Day send up.
“Is
this the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe?” asked the lady as
she
walked in my front door.
“Yes
it is,” I replied. “I’m Howie Cheatum. And you are--?”
“Susan
Woo,” she replied, “but you can call me Sue.”
“Okay
Sue. And what can I do for you today?”
“I
want to engage your services to represent myself as I initiate a law
suit.”
“Well,
you’ve come to the right place. Who do you want to sue?”
“Punxsutawney
Phil.”
“You
want to sue who?” I asked in disbelief.
“Not
myself silly. Punxsutawney Phil.”
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| NOT a trained professional |
“The
groundhog?” I asked, trying to confirm what I heard the first time.
“Yes,
that filthy animal,” replied Sue.
“Why?”
“Because
this year he/it claimed we would have six weeks of relatively mild
weather and an early spring. None of that came true. I couldn’t
break out my spring wardrobe when I wanted to. I hurt my back
shoveling the driveway myself because I dismissed the snow plow
service early thinking I wouldn’t need them any more this season.
Should I go on?”
“No,
I get the idea. And on what grounds would you like to initiate this
lawsuit?”
“Don’t
you think at a courthouse would be best?” she asked.
“What
I meant was, for what reasons did you want to sue?”
“I
figured breach of promise at the very least, and whatever else is
applicable,” she replied. “The late winter has just totally
ruined spring, and who knows just how that is going to affect summer.
The trees are barely beginning to bud as it is. Besides, I wouldn’t
be surprised if fall arrives on time anyway and cuts whatever is left
of spring and summer short this year.”
“I
see,” I said, pausing momentarily to wonder why I always got stuck
with the live ones. “Let me look up some reference material on the
subject,” I said, before turning to use my computer terminal. After
a couple of minutes on Wikipedia, I said, “You do realize that this
is all just traditional superstition dating back to at least the
1800s in America and at least the fifth century in Europe.”
“So,
that means that Punxsutawney Phil should have been a lot more
accurate in his prediction than he actually was, right?”
“Well,
that’s one way of looking at it,” I agreed while reading the data
some more. “While he only has a 39% accuracy rating, it says here
that Punxsutawney Phil isn’t the only one who is used to predict
the weather.”
“Oh?”
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| But I have played one on TV. |
“There’s
Jimmy the Groundhog in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin; Holtsville Hall and
Dunkirk Dave, wherever they reside, all said that there would be six
more weeks of winter. Phil and a bunch of others on this list all
predicted an early spring,” I said, showing her what it said on my
computer monitor.
“Good.
Let’s start a class action suit and go after all of them!”
“It
just doesn’t quite work that way. The animals themselves never
specifically said what the weather would be. Humans just interpreted
the situational conditions as best they could.”
“Well
let’s sue them,” said Sue.
“That
doesn’t work either. None of them were trained professionals paid
to do that job. It would be like me trying to predict the weather
just by looking out the window.”
“Then
are you suggesting that I should sue the weathermen?”
“Actually,
you don’t have a case against anybody involved with Groundhog’s
Day predictions. That’s all they were, just predictions. None were
legally binding.”
“Then
can I sue you?”
“For
what?” I asked in disbelief.
“For
not taking my case.”
While
it would not actually get far in the court system, in this day and
age, I’d be surprised if she didn’t find somebody willing to take
the case.
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