Hello Everybody. Editor-In-Chief Lee Houston, Junior here. Ms. Waxy Dragon and Autumn the Puppy have the weekend off.
Over the pass months as the debates and smear campaigns raged over the issue Health Care Reform, I received many an e-mail from friends, "concerned" and otherwise, wanting to sway my opinion one way or another. Most of it I could never repeat in a public forum, but I thought for this weekend to try a little political humor and present one of the more cleaner missives on the subject.
Hope you enjoy it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning, [insert good/positive deity of your faith here] created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the planet with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so every Man, Woman, and Child would live long and healthy lives.
Then using [insert good deity again]'s gifts, [insert good deity's evil opponent here] created ice cream and donuts and said "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" while Woman said, "As long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained pounds and [the evil deity] smiled.
Then [the good deity] created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. But [the evil deity] brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to 14.
So [the good deity] said, "try my fresh green salad." And [the bad deity] presented salad dressings, butter flavored croutons, and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
[The good deity] then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
Then [the bad deity] brought forth melted cheeses, deep fried fish, and chicken fried steak so big the platter it rested on needed its own zip code.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
[The good deity] then brought forth running shoes so that Man would might lose those unwanted extra pounds. But then [the bad deity] gave Man wide screen TVs with cable and a remote control so no one would have to toil to change a channel.
Then Man, Woman, and Child laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then [the good deity] brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. But then [the bad deity] peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fried them into various flavors.
And the people gained even more pounds.
[The good deity] then brought forth lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his hunger. But then [the bad deity] created hamburgers and fast food joints and asked, "You want fries with that?"
To which the people replied, "Yes, and super size them!"
And then Man went into cardiac arrest.
[The good deity] sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then [the bad deity] created HMOs.
Hopefully there is a laugh or two somewhere in the above.
In any event, we'll be back next weekend with more Sunday Funnies.-lh,jr.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
THE WEEK IN REVIEW: APRIL 4-10, 2010
*Poland's President Lech Zaczynski, his wife, and about 130 other people, including the flight crew, have died after their plane crashed in Western Russia after attempting a landing on a fog bound air strip. The group was arriving to attend a national event.
*The April 15th deadline for filing Federal Income Taxes is fast approaching. The Obama administration reminds tax payers that if they are eligible, there are new tax credits available for first time home buyers, college students, those who made energy efficiency improvements to their residences, and other options available.
*The bodies of the four missing West Virgina coal miners were recovered yesterday, ending rescue operations. While investigations into the tragic accident continue, early reports confirm that "the end was relatively peaceful for them".
*Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has announced his plans to retire, pending President Barack Obama finding his successor. Congressional Republicans have already vowed to block any nominee who's "too liberal" from assuming the bench.
*While Apple's I-PAD is now on the market, Hewlett Packard has announced plans to debut their version of the device, which is supposed to have app(lication)s the other doesn't, and address "problems" the Apple product is supposed to have.
IN SPORTS...
*Duke won the 2010 NCAA Mens College Basketball Tournament while the University of Connecticut won the Womens championship.
*Tiger Woods has returned to professional golf, competing in this weekend's Masters Tournament. However he has already broken one of his promises, being caught cursing over his lousy performance in the third round played earlier today.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS...
*Elizabeth Taylor is allegedly dating again.
*Playboy founder Hugh Heffner is considering getting married once more.
*Actor Meinhardt Raabe, best known as the Munchkin coroner in the 1939 musical version of The Wizard of Oz, has passed away at age 94.
For more news at any time, just scroll down to the IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen.
*The April 15th deadline for filing Federal Income Taxes is fast approaching. The Obama administration reminds tax payers that if they are eligible, there are new tax credits available for first time home buyers, college students, those who made energy efficiency improvements to their residences, and other options available.
*The bodies of the four missing West Virgina coal miners were recovered yesterday, ending rescue operations. While investigations into the tragic accident continue, early reports confirm that "the end was relatively peaceful for them".
*Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has announced his plans to retire, pending President Barack Obama finding his successor. Congressional Republicans have already vowed to block any nominee who's "too liberal" from assuming the bench.
*While Apple's I-PAD is now on the market, Hewlett Packard has announced plans to debut their version of the device, which is supposed to have app(lication)s the other doesn't, and address "problems" the Apple product is supposed to have.
IN SPORTS...
*Duke won the 2010 NCAA Mens College Basketball Tournament while the University of Connecticut won the Womens championship.
*Tiger Woods has returned to professional golf, competing in this weekend's Masters Tournament. However he has already broken one of his promises, being caught cursing over his lousy performance in the third round played earlier today.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS...
*Elizabeth Taylor is allegedly dating again.
*Playboy founder Hugh Heffner is considering getting married once more.
*Actor Meinhardt Raabe, best known as the Munchkin coroner in the 1939 musical version of The Wizard of Oz, has passed away at age 94.
For more news at any time, just scroll down to the IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of your screen.
THE PUZZLE CORNER: APRIL 10, 2010
It's tax time in the United States, as the filing deadline of April 15th looms for both state and federal income taxes.
So let's hope this weekend's appropriately themed enigmas are not too taxing.
TRIVIA TIME
Under the current system, Americans have been paying income tax since 1913. But when was the very first income tax collected in the United States?
THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Although I hate running the same puzzle type two weeks in a row, what better way to file than to see how many words can be found using the letters in the words INCOME TAX?
THE ANSWERS BOX
Today's results will be revealed next weekend.
Now, here are the solutions to April 3's Easter Weekend Puzzle Corner.
EGG QUIZ
1. Omelet
2. Quiche
3. Eggs Benedict (but not named after Benedict Arnold)
4. Sunny Side Up
5. Caviar (also known as roe, or fish eggs)
THE LETTER SHUFFLE
In our great EASTER EGG hunt, you could find:
*A, Age(s), Agree(s), Are, Art(s), As, At, Ate
*Eager, Ease, East, Eat(s), Eggs (Egg was part of the search perimeters so it doesn't count), Erase
*Gee, Geese, Grate(s), Grease, Great(s), Greet(s)
*Rag(s), Rage(s), Rat(s), Rate(s), Rest
*Sat, Sea, See, Seer, Set, Seat, Stag, Stagger, Stage, Stare, Steer, Steerage, Star
*Tag(s), Tea(s), Tease, Teaser, Test
Other combinations besides the 56 above might be possible.
So let's hope this weekend's appropriately themed enigmas are not too taxing.
TRIVIA TIME
Under the current system, Americans have been paying income tax since 1913. But when was the very first income tax collected in the United States?
THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Although I hate running the same puzzle type two weeks in a row, what better way to file than to see how many words can be found using the letters in the words INCOME TAX?
THE ANSWERS BOX
Today's results will be revealed next weekend.
Now, here are the solutions to April 3's Easter Weekend Puzzle Corner.
EGG QUIZ
1. Omelet
2. Quiche
3. Eggs Benedict (but not named after Benedict Arnold)
4. Sunny Side Up
5. Caviar (also known as roe, or fish eggs)
THE LETTER SHUFFLE
In our great EASTER EGG hunt, you could find:
*A, Age(s), Agree(s), Are, Art(s), As, At, Ate
*Eager, Ease, East, Eat(s), Eggs (Egg was part of the search perimeters so it doesn't count), Erase
*Gee, Geese, Grate(s), Grease, Great(s), Greet(s)
*Rag(s), Rage(s), Rat(s), Rate(s), Rest
*Sat, Sea, See, Seer, Set, Seat, Stag, Stagger, Stage, Stare, Steer, Steerage, Star
*Tag(s), Tea(s), Tease, Teaser, Test
Other combinations besides the 56 above might be possible.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
THE SUNDAY FUNNIES: APRIL 4, 2010
HOPPY EASTER EVERYONE!Autumn the Puppy here, and I've dug up some good jokes eggspecially for today.
I don't think these need any eggsplaination.
Ready?
When the fledglings go off to college, what else does an empty nester face?
A scrambled nest egg!
If a rooster climbs to the top of the barn roof and lays an egg, which way does the egg roll considering that the barn is facing east and the wind is from the north?
Nowhere. Roosters don't lay eggs!
Did you hear about the one sided Easter Egg Hunt?
The person who hid them was the only contestant.
What did the egg say at the monastery during breakfast?
"Oh well, out of the frying pan and into the Friar."
What do evil chickens lay? Deviled eggs.
Did you hear about the farmer who was mad at the fox for getting into his hen house all the time? He fed his chickens gunpowder so the next time the fox tried to steal anything there would be a big eggsplosion!
Do tough chickens come from hard boiled eggs?
If apples, oranges, and other stuff comes from trees, does that mean we get chickens from a poul-tree?
What did the chicken say when it laid a square egg? OUCH!
Well, I think I told enough yolks. I hope everyone enjoys the remainder of their Easter and we'll be back next weekend with more Sunday Funnies!-AtP.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
THE WEEK IN REVIEW: MARCH 28-APRIL 3, 2010
Happy Easter Weekend Everyone!
This past week saw, amongst other events:
*Now that the Health Care Reform Act has become law, President Barack Obama admitted he urged Congress to take action on the issue not only for the sake of the uninsured, but to prevent America from becoming morally and economically bankrupt.
*Meanwhile, the Obama administration has turned its attention to financial reform to hopefully prevent future instances of potential bank failures and other economic downturns. Congressional Republicans have vowed to fight this measure every step of the way too.
*Some say that due to their recent actions, the Republican Party will suffer, especially in the area of campaign donations; after it was revealed that they had a "fund raiser" at a West Hollywood strip club. Reports state that the employee delegated to make the arrangements for this excursion has been fired, but that so far no action has been taken towards the party executives involved.
*The I-Pad officially goes on sale this weekend.
*The United States Government is urging anyone who used the lead laced Chinese sheet rock to completely replace the suspect pieces. However, no word yet as to who will have to bear the brunt of the replacement expenses.
FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW THE LIVES OF CELEBRITIES...
*Singer Ricky Martin has admitted to being a homosexual.
*Actress Anne Paquin has surprised a lot of people by admitting that she is bi-sexual.
*Jesse James has checked himself into rehab in hopes of eventually getting back together with wife Sandra Bullock.
*Actor John Forsythe has passed away after a year long battle against cancer.
IN SPORTS...
*Baseball season starts in earnest. Amongst the first matches of the new season are the Boston Red Sox hosting the New York Yankees at Fenway Park.
For more news at any time, just scroll down to the IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of the screen.
This past week saw, amongst other events:
*Now that the Health Care Reform Act has become law, President Barack Obama admitted he urged Congress to take action on the issue not only for the sake of the uninsured, but to prevent America from becoming morally and economically bankrupt.
*Meanwhile, the Obama administration has turned its attention to financial reform to hopefully prevent future instances of potential bank failures and other economic downturns. Congressional Republicans have vowed to fight this measure every step of the way too.
*Some say that due to their recent actions, the Republican Party will suffer, especially in the area of campaign donations; after it was revealed that they had a "fund raiser" at a West Hollywood strip club. Reports state that the employee delegated to make the arrangements for this excursion has been fired, but that so far no action has been taken towards the party executives involved.
*The I-Pad officially goes on sale this weekend.
*The United States Government is urging anyone who used the lead laced Chinese sheet rock to completely replace the suspect pieces. However, no word yet as to who will have to bear the brunt of the replacement expenses.
FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW THE LIVES OF CELEBRITIES...
*Singer Ricky Martin has admitted to being a homosexual.
*Actress Anne Paquin has surprised a lot of people by admitting that she is bi-sexual.
*Jesse James has checked himself into rehab in hopes of eventually getting back together with wife Sandra Bullock.
*Actor John Forsythe has passed away after a year long battle against cancer.
IN SPORTS...
*Baseball season starts in earnest. Amongst the first matches of the new season are the Boston Red Sox hosting the New York Yankees at Fenway Park.
For more news at any time, just scroll down to the IN OTHER NEWS feature at the bottom of the screen.
THE PUZZLE CORNER: APRIL 3, 2010
It's Easter Weekend for a lot of folks around the world, so let's peer into that wicker basket and see what goodies await.
EGGSTRAVAGANZA!
The following is a brief quiz about eggs. Can you identify each egg based dished from its clue below?
1. You may have to break a few eggs to make one of these.
2. You'll need a lot more eggs if you're making this for brunch.
3. This egg dish was not named for a traitor in American history.
4. A favorable, eggs based weather forecast.
5. This comes from a virgin sturgeon, amongst other sources.
THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Since it's Easter weekend, let's go on an Easter Egg hunt!
How many other words can you find within the letters of EASTER EGG?
THE ANSWERS BOX
The solutions for March 27, 2010's Puzzle Corner.
REBUS
Uptown
LOONEY LYRICS
The line should have actually been "I've been out doing in my head" from Help Me, Rhonda by The Beach Boys.
EGGSTRAVAGANZA!
The following is a brief quiz about eggs. Can you identify each egg based dished from its clue below?
1. You may have to break a few eggs to make one of these.
2. You'll need a lot more eggs if you're making this for brunch.
3. This egg dish was not named for a traitor in American history.
4. A favorable, eggs based weather forecast.
5. This comes from a virgin sturgeon, amongst other sources.
THE LETTER SHUFFLE
Since it's Easter weekend, let's go on an Easter Egg hunt!
How many other words can you find within the letters of EASTER EGG?
THE ANSWERS BOX
The solutions for March 27, 2010's Puzzle Corner.
REBUS
Uptown
LOONEY LYRICS
The line should have actually been "I've been out doing in my head" from Help Me, Rhonda by The Beach Boys.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY!
It's April first, 4010; also known as April Fools Day to those using the old Earth calendar.
Long before the ancients wised up and started using the Internet and PCs properly, would you believe they recorded all their data BY HAND on a fragile material called paper?
Thankfully we're long past such archaic methods.
But while history shows that today is the traditional day for pulling what are supposed to be harmless pranks and gags on our fellow beings, some of our ancestors had the
(mis)fortune to be born upon this date.
Amongst those are:
*Physician William Harvey (1578) First doctor to record human blood circulation
*Baron Otto Von Bismarck (1815) Former Prime Minister of Prussia, first Chancellor of Germany
*Composer Sergei Rachmaninoff (1873)
*Actor Lon Chaney, Senior (1883) The "Man of a Thousand Faces"
*Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908) Pioneer in studying human behavior
*Painter Anchise Picchi (1911)
*Actor Toshiro Mifune (1920) (The Seven Samuari, Rashomon)
*Author Anne McCaffrey (1926) (The Pern series of books and numerous other works)
*Actress Jane Powell (1929)
*Actor Gordon Jump (1932)
*Actress Debbie Renyolds (1932)
*Actress Ali MacGraw (1938)
*Musician John Barbata (1945) Drummer for The Turtles, Jefferson Airplane/Starship, and others
*Musician Jimmy Cliff (1948) Reggae/Ska maestro
*Wrestler Randy Orton (1980)
*Actress Hannah Spearitt (1981)
*Comedienne Waxy Dragon (2???)
*Wood craftsman Roger Rustman (22??) Proved existence of the Ent when tried to carve one of them by accident
*Jacq Q'sto (23??) First to confirm existence of Atlantis, reached peaceful accord with Merfolk
*Astronaut Bernie Cynder (24??) First to set foot on the sun
*Explorer Lee Houston the Fourth (25??) First to set foot on New Earth III
*Gorp of Gleep (29??) United his race against the opressive Bloops in 3024
*N'yuk of N.Y.U.K. (30??) Unsuccesfully tried to unify the universe under the peaceful teachings of The Three Stooges
*Dyba of Venusia (32??) Successfully unified the universe in peach under the teachings of Sir Robin of Williams
Long before the ancients wised up and started using the Internet and PCs properly, would you believe they recorded all their data BY HAND on a fragile material called paper?
Thankfully we're long past such archaic methods.
But while history shows that today is the traditional day for pulling what are supposed to be harmless pranks and gags on our fellow beings, some of our ancestors had the
(mis)fortune to be born upon this date.
Amongst those are:
*Physician William Harvey (1578) First doctor to record human blood circulation
*Baron Otto Von Bismarck (1815) Former Prime Minister of Prussia, first Chancellor of Germany
*Composer Sergei Rachmaninoff (1873)
*Actor Lon Chaney, Senior (1883) The "Man of a Thousand Faces"
*Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908) Pioneer in studying human behavior
*Painter Anchise Picchi (1911)
*Actor Toshiro Mifune (1920) (The Seven Samuari, Rashomon)
*Author Anne McCaffrey (1926) (The Pern series of books and numerous other works)
*Actress Jane Powell (1929)
*Actor Gordon Jump (1932)
*Actress Debbie Renyolds (1932)
*Actress Ali MacGraw (1938)
*Musician John Barbata (1945) Drummer for The Turtles, Jefferson Airplane/Starship, and others
*Musician Jimmy Cliff (1948) Reggae/Ska maestro
*Wrestler Randy Orton (1980)
*Actress Hannah Spearitt (1981)
*Comedienne Waxy Dragon (2???)
*Wood craftsman Roger Rustman (22??) Proved existence of the Ent when tried to carve one of them by accident
*Jacq Q'sto (23??) First to confirm existence of Atlantis, reached peaceful accord with Merfolk
*Astronaut Bernie Cynder (24??) First to set foot on the sun
*Explorer Lee Houston the Fourth (25??) First to set foot on New Earth III
*Gorp of Gleep (29??) United his race against the opressive Bloops in 3024
*N'yuk of N.Y.U.K. (30??) Unsuccesfully tried to unify the universe under the peaceful teachings of The Three Stooges
*Dyba of Venusia (32??) Successfully unified the universe in peach under the teachings of Sir Robin of Williams
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